Halloween is Better Than Whatever Holiday You Like

Here's the deal, plain and simple: Halloween is way more awesome than you, your mom, or your whatever you got for your tenth birthday. And I'll tell you exactly why.

1.) Halloween is a Legitimate Excuse for Vanity

On Halloween, your only job is to be bad ass and make sure that everyone knows it. It's a competition. You actually go to places to win prizes based upon how awesome you are.

It's not always going to work out in your favor, though.

In fact, not only are you rewarded for your impression of a serial killer/demon/racially inappropriate costume, but if you can't come up with anything good, you're actually derided for it. That's like if you gave your dad a lame tie for Father's Day and he then proceeded to tie up your hands with it while he beat you with his belt.

Lame Second Place:

The only thing close to Halloween in this respect is the time honored tradition of over-the-top X-mas lights. Except what you win there is the "White Trash of the Year Award."

Is this guy inclusive or retarded?

2.) Halloween is Openly Selfish and Greedy

This one barely requires explanation and is particularly evident amongst children. Children have no real crafting skills and their costume creativity extends only so far as the movie they just saw. So what happens here is their costumes' level bad-assery is qualified solely on how much money their parents spent on them, and, by extension, how much their parents love them.

Pictured: So much love/money.

But here's where it really gets good. After the child looks awesome (through no effort of their own), they march up to strangers' homes and demand to be rewarded. Holy shit!

That girl is even kneeling in his presence!

That never works for anything else in life. If I showed up at your house, banging on the door at 10:00 at night to tell you that I'd just beaten my previous high score in Tetris, you would call the fucking cops.

Lame Second Place:

St. Patrick's Day has no end of apparel that demands you preform actions upon the wearer based solely on their ethnic heritage.

Even wasted chicks won't fuck you in that shirt.

The difference here is that a child on Halloween takes your candy away from you, and a drunken "Irish" man vomits down your throat when you kiss him.

3.) Halloween Allows You to Terrify People Legally

Other holidays simply try to amplify an emotion that you're already supposed to be expressing. Pretty much universally, the emotion expressed is one of kindness and respect. Those holidays are for pussies.

At least Arbor Day is making a fucking effort.

Halloween keeps it real. It's never acceptable in day-to-day life to jump out at people and give off the impression that you're about to murder them. Worse yet, the impression that you have already been recently murdered and are now going to murder them.

Think of it like a really fucked up game of Telephone.

Now, you may feel these urges every day, but you don't get to act upon them without going to jail, otherwise known as "the place where real murderers will rape you."

Lame Second Place:

Fucking Valentine's Day. Don't even pretend that's the kind of shit you think about when you get up in the morning.

THIS IS NEVER SOMETHING YOU THINK ABOUT!

4.) Pranking the Shit Out of People

We're not talking about "Ha ha, I got you!" kind of pranks. I mean malicious, over-the-top pranks...that frequently backfire in hilarious or ironic ways.

Lame Second Place:

Obviously, April Fool's Day. But when an April Fool's joke goes sour, you don't fucking die.

"Ha ha! I got y-...gurgle, gurgle..."

LP out.