How to be someone else who's awesome for Halloween.

I operate my day-to-day routine using my own Halloween-centric calendar (fuck you, Pope Gregory XIII). I'm not sure if you've noticed, but we're one week into October. According to my system, this means you're already screwed if you don't have your Halloween properly scheduled, which in turn means that we'll never be friends again. Well, that's usually what it means, but this year I'm willing to throw everyone a bone. I'm going to assemble an emergency Halloween guide for you right here on this very blog. Think of it as a crash course in being incredibly fucking awesome.

This guy's got the right idea.

1.) Picking your bad ass costume.

The first is to determine if you are, in fact, already a bad ass. I can help you answer this question; no, you are not currently a bad ass. You're reading this guide so I know you're already in serious trouble here. Your only hope is to devise such a brilliant costume that everyone will be forced to reconvene their council of Bad Assery Evaluation. The trick here is to never pull a costume directly off the rack at Target and consider your job done. Nobody is going to remember you or your stupid non-bad ass. A general rule of thumb is to avoid any recent movies. If you're going to be a character from a recent movie, then you must strive for accuracy and you are not allowed to buy a pre-assembled costume. You need to acquire all of parts on your own and never ever let the thought "eh, it's good enough" pass through your skull. You should only stop working on your costume because your girlfriend/boyfriend is bitching that you need to be at the party in 10 minutes.

But it is OK to temporarily stop to go
check out some sweet explosions.

You need to make a serious effort to set yourself above everyone else and their store-bought polyester atrocity. Elbow grease and creativity are going to be the only weapons you have. If people want to take your photo, or better yet schedule a photo shoot, then you did an incredible job. There is one simple rule to remember: no one likes you so you have to become something cool to win them over.

Under no circumstances should you dress up as a cast member of Jersey Shore. Once you open that portal to Douchebag Hell, there is no going back. And you can never wash the image of you dressed as Snooki from your significant other's mind and they absolutely will recall that image when you two are naked.

Maybe you shouldn't tell your
next girlfriend about that poor decision.

2.) Is your costume too obtuse?

Are people going to get it or are you going to be explaining all night long? If your interests are on the outskirts of pop culture's radius, you're going to find yourself in a bit of a pickle here. Maybe you feel like you're too smart for everyone else, so you dress up as Charles Darwin. All anyone else is going to see is some old dude. Perhaps you've crafted an absolutely perfect recreation of Val Kilmer in Red Planet. It certainly sucks that nobody is going to give two shits about your spaceman costume.

Seriously, does anyone even know what this fucking movie is about?

Tandem costumes can be a big help. Ichabod Crane is just some awkward dude if he's without his Headless Horseman.

Unless said Ichabod is actually Johnny Depp.

You're already painfully inadequate in everyday life, so try to avoid it at all costs on Halloween. It can be tricky to find someone to go in with on a costume if you're single, so try to focus on a pitch reminding your prospective partner that your hideous face will be obscured by a mask or makeup.

Strangely enough, the inverse is true for girls. Typical costumes for girls want to leave nothing obscured at all. Women are awesome to look at. Agreed, right? But unless you're going out as a stripper or a naked lady, you're not really a master of illusion.

Ah, I see what you did there.

All I'm saying is that if you buy a costume that has the word "sexy" in its title, you should spend the entire night only getting your own drinks and never letting them out of your sight. It falls into the cliched saying of, "Why buy the cow, when you can ogle her tits to death?"


3.) Did you plan ahead?

This is an issue with pretty much every holiday. If you want people to look at you and think, "that guy isn't a retard" then you have to get out in front of this whole Halloween business. In much the way that you will get broken up with over birthdays/anniversaries/Valentine's Day/X-mas/New Year's/Super Bowl/Arbor Day, no one will ever talk to you again if you try to bullshit your way through Halloween. I'm warning you right now not to be lazy. Costume shops are positively swamped and Walmart just plain runs out. If you don't pay attention, you're going to be standing in the aisle, looking at the meager pickings left, and trying to decide if you should go as the Power Ranger missing a mask or as the Little Mermaid that's three sizes too small.

Sadly, I think this was planned in advance.

And don't lie to yourself about what you'll be able to manage. No experience with metallurgy? Then maybe don't pick a costume that requires you to forge the Shards of Narsil or Gondorian armor or some shit.

Out of your league.

4.) Do you even have a party to go to?

Let's hope after all of this work that you have at least one friend who's throwing a party or you're going to a contest at a bar. But if you're reading this, you're probably lazy because you need so much help with the holiday to begin with, so it follows that you're friends are probably lazy, too. It looks like it's up to you to party your way out of this one.

Spuds Mackenzie to the rescue!

There are certain dos and don'ts that must be adhered to when throwing a Halloween party. Here's a quick run down:

You must make a Halloween playlist and, yes, Thriller needs to be included on it. You absolutely need to put dry ice in the punch bowl so it steams up all spooky like. A fog machine can be used and if done correctly, a strobe light or blacklight may be added for subtle effect. Just remember that seizures and semen stains aren't good icebreakers at a party....although later on they may be a good sign that your party was off the fucking hook, yo.

You're party is most likely OK in this case.

It is crucial that you never purchase and display and novelty Halloween motion sensor bullshit. This means no candy bowls with fake hands that grab you when all you want is a Tootsie Roll and nothing that hangs on the wall, laughs at you when you walk by, and then launches into some asinine song. I don't need a trussed up fast food window speaker yelling at me because I'm walking down the hall for another beer.

It's totally a good idea to turn the front of your home into a haunted house to terrify little kids. They need to learn that nothing in life is free and that if you really want that fun-size Twix, well you're going to have to pay for it in nightmares and wet pants. When I was little, there was a house where they put a scarecrow out front in a chair and the candy bowl in his lap. Seems nice except the scarecrow was actually a live person and when you went for that candy, he jumped up and chased you with a hatchet. Sometimes another person was under his porch and would grab at your ankles when you tried to run.

This is what happened when I Google Imaged
"scarecrow hatchet" and I'm on board 100%.

LP out.

It's Morphin Time!

OK, so you know how sometimes a person's moment of glory turns out to be something totally pathetic in retrospect? Or how you're trying to cut your teeth and pay your dues, but actually that struggle is as far up the later as you get? Guess what. The Power Rangers by and large got way more awesome after they left that show. So what the hell are they up to now?

1.) Thuy Trang - Yellow Ranger

This one isn't funny at all and is a complete downer. Unfortunately, Thuy Trang was killed in a car crash in 2001. It's extra sad because she was doing OK. Not super great, but pretty good. She had a role as a principal villain in The Crow: City of Angels. Iggy Pop was also in that movie, so I guess you get some extra points by proxy.

Seriously.

2.) David Yost - Blue Ranger

It's kind of hard to make a judgment call on David. I will say this: he owns a "Z Pizza" franchise and, even though I don't know what that is, I know that pizza is fucking incredible. I have to imagine that if the Ninja Turtles ever quit beating up super villains, that they'd probably own a few pizza joints as well. Other than that, David Yost is 41, which means he hasn't spiraled into a drug-fueled untimely death. Hooray!

He does look pretty tired, though.

3.) Austin St. John - Red Ranger

OK, first off he was born in Roswell, New Mexico. That means it's entirely possible that Austin's part alien. Or all alien. That must have felt weird to take a role in a show where it was his job to beat up an extraterrestrial army. It's like space treason. Secondly, he's well trained in Tae Kwon Do, Judo, Kenpo, and Shenkito. I don't even know what that last one is.

Maybe it involves face weight and Bluetooth headsets.

Also, he's a paramedic now, so he saves lives for real. Like everyday. He's possibly the only person on this list who became an honest to goodness real hero. And he lives in Sterling, VA which is my goddamn state. It's entirely possible that I will travel to Sterling and get injured just so that I can tell people that I was saved by a fucking Power Ranger.


4.) Walter Emmanuel Jones - Black Ranger

Walter and Thuy really got the short end of the casual racism stick on the show, what with their roles being essentially color coded by their ethnicity. He apparently left the show over issues regarding wages and fees. But he's managed to land small roles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Shield, and even as a zombie in House of the Dead 2. Even though that movie was celluloid afterbirth by all accounts and the title of his role was "Locker Zombie," Walter Jones has still professionally played a zombie on the big screen which is an honor I would really like to achieve.

"Oscar, please." -Liam

Then again, he had major role in Backyard Dogs, a straight to video backyard wrestling production. Perhaps it was a movie tie-in with his PETCO commercials. And he was arrested for DUI in July 2009, but the charges were dropped this past April.

Also, it looks like he got to hang out with the cast of Home Improvement.

5.) Amy Jo Johnson - Pink Ranger

Ms. Johnson has managed to continue with a respectable acting and musical career. She landed a part in Interstate 60 with motherfucking Gary Oldman, which is hard core awesome no matter how you slice it. Now, you can see her in the police drama Flashpoint (in which her music is also featured) on CBS. Or CTV if you live in Canada, but nobody reading this blog lives in Canada. Previously, she's had roles in Spin City, The Division, Felicity, and ER.

And bitch loves her some Game Boy Color apparently.

6.) Richard Steven Horvitz - Alpha 5

While Amy Jo Johnson may have the strongest live-action acting career, Horvitz might have the most recognizable career in show business post Rangers flat-fucking-out. Richard Horvitz is a voice actor and you may have heard him on every goddamn Nickelodeon cartoon from the 90's. He gets around. He's done cartoons, movies, live-action (voice dubbing, mostly), and video games.

For my money, it doesn't get much better than Invader Zim.

7.) Jason David Frank - Green/White/A Whole Bunch of Others Ranger

Jason David Frank has gone on to focus solely on a very specific career path: kicking your fucking ass.

Frank seen here, about to murder martial arts to death.

He's a professional MMA fighter. He's proficient in Boxing, Karate, Muay Thai, and Jiu-Jitsu and won his August 4th pro MMA debut quickly at the time of 0:46 in the first round by a Rear Naked Choke Submission. I don't have a professional understanding of that move, but it sounds pants-shittingly terrifying and totally humiliating.

I was too scared to look up "Rear Naked Choke Submission,"
so here's a picture of a T-Rex eating a man with a machine gun.

8.) Johnny Yong Bosch - Replacement Black Ranger

When Walter Jones was written out of the show, Bosch was added to the cast. But what's he up to now? Taunting immortal demons with a huge ass revolver and a sword with a motorcycle throttle attached.

He's fucking Nero from Devil May Cry 4.

For those of you who aren't video game losers like me, he's playing the shit talking guy with the crazy arm. Oh, did I mention he did all of the motion capturing and stunts, as well? Johnny Yong Bosch has followed the Richard Horvitz school of thought and heavily pursued voice acting. What titles might he have provided voice work for, you ask? Oh, I don't know, just a couple of things you've probably never heard of, like Akira. Bosch played the role of Kaneda in the re-release of Akira, a character that's become one of the most recognizable anime icons in the West.

You know, just the guy on the cover of the damn movie.

Bosch has largely stayed within the bounds of anime and video games, as opposed to Horvitz's more mainstream, kid friendly route.

9.) Jason Narvy - Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch

This dude wasn't even a Power Ranger. He, along with real life friend and pending heart attack victim Paul Schrier, played the "comic relief" duo Bulk & Skull. The words "comic relief" are in sarcastic quotations for a reason. Only watch the video below if you worry that you might have been Hitler in a past life and feel the need to punish yourself.

Ugh.

But you know what? Mr. Jason Narvy realized that business was mindblowingly fucking stupid and he'd had enough of it, god damn it. He was gonna get him some good old fashioned book learnin'. After leaving the show, he left Los Angeles to pursue further education. He received a Bachelor of Liberal Arts degree in English from Franklin and Marshall College in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, a Master of Letters in Renaissance Literature in Performance from Mary Baldwin College and the American Shakespeare Center in Staunton, Virginia. He participated in the Young Company Theatre Camp at the ASC as a director and Master Class Fight Workshop instructor in 2004. He recently graduated from the University of California, Santa Barbara with a Ph.D. in Dramatic Arts.

Did you read that? He's now "Dr. Skull, Master Class Fight Instructor." Fucking A, dude! That is ultra success to the max!

This is what happened when I Google Imaged "Dr. Skull."

LP out.

Unintended Consequences

There’s a long-standing belief that someone basically said there’s never going to be anymore new stuff. That one may be a fallacy (you figure it out, snopes.com), but people have made a lot of incredibly retarded statements about new inventions. You’ve probably said some stupid shit, too, but now you won’t own up to it. A lot of you reading this have at least an undergraduate or technical degree, are currently attending college, or have a vague idea of university life from watching the movie Road Trip. So you’ve probably had at least one idea that would change the world. Well, you were wrong. You can’t change the world no matter how many Facebook causes you join. That kind of slack-tivism gets you nowhere, especially when there are people out thinking shit up right now that you will pay money to own. Although, some of these creations have unintended, if not sinister, functions that their creators never really considered.

1.) The Internet

We can start out simple here and the Internet is low-hanging fruit. Most people are fully aware that the Internet was not invented by Al Gore and that he never actually said that, anyway. It was, however, created in response to Soviet scientific advances like Sputnik, which is still a pretty fun name to say. Back then it went by such monikers as ARPANET and was pretty much strictly for government use. It got some other names too, like MILNET, NIPRNET (which sounds totally dirty), and NSFNet. The damn thing was even designed to survive a nuclear strike, which is pretty cool because not a lot of things can do that. I included that link so you can read all about, but you won’t because you don’t fucking care. Know why?

It’s pretty much exclusively used for crime and boobs. That’s it.

This is what the Internet looks like:

Did you click on that picture to enlarge it? Go do that now and really try to take it in. And every single one of those lines ends at a thief or a titty. Sometimes both. It’s kind of like the best rat maze ever. Some crazy illegal shit goes down on the net. We’ve all come into contact with a Nigerian prince at some point, but it gets way worse. Fraud and extortion make sense, OK. But drug trafficking? You know things have really changed when you can use your Dell as a coke mule.

Where do you jam the condom full black tar heroin?

Murder is a serious WTF, though. Cannibalism or consensual murder is pretty fucked up. Never before have cannibals been able to have a little man-eating sewing circle from the comfort of their living rooms and that scares me to death. One in thirteen of you have thought about eating a person at some point in your adult lives.

I just made that shit up but you're totally thinking about it now.

And I can’t use Google Image for five minutes without encountering some level of nudity. When I was growing up, we had to work for our naked chicks. Kids had to steal their dads' magazines or be content with staying up late to watch the scrambled Spice Channel. If you wanted porn before, you had to walk to a creepy store with blacked out windows and avoid eye contact while purchasing your smut. Unless you live in Europe. I hear that everyone over there is pretty much naked all of the time.

2.) Cell Phones

Obviously these things have changed our lives hugely. Chances are you feel naked without yours. I know I’ve parked my car and run back into my apartment when I’ve left it behind. And I don’t do that with most things.

"Shit, did I leave the stove on? Did I leave the stove on with a baby on top of it!? Meh."

Most people use them completely in place of landlines. They damn near do everything and we depend on them for our very lives. Sometimes citizens with camera phones are the first to capture news events. Or whatever hilarious hobo they just saw.

Actually this is funnier than any hobo image I could find.

We’ve worked them into our lives so much that we’re developing completely new neuroses just for them.

Bitch, can't you wait five fucking minutes?

So what’s so bad about them? Fucking everything! They take all of the Internet’s problems and put them right in the palm of your hand. Don’t worry, though, they come with a whole new slice of horrible problems. Sexting, talking/texting while driving, electronic waste, gambling, the legality of recording by civilians, location tracking, and all kinds of photography issues are all part of that rich bouquet. “Blackberry thumb” sounds like it’s for pussies, though. Kids have killed themselves because embarrassing photos of them have spread like Ebola monkeys.

I’m not saying Outbreak is worse than child suicide, I’m just saying it fucking sucks and you should go to jail if you pay money to see it.

What’s worse, next time you’re in a public place like the mall, subway, or public restroom, look around and see how many people are on the phone. They’re all talking to someone, but not each other. I can’t even remember people’s phone numbers anymore. Nobody really wants to interact with anyone else anymore. Not if it isn’t through some weird digital medium. Which is fine, because I fucking hate people and their stupid voices.

Another major concern is that before we had cell phones, we had no idea how fucking greasy our disgusting faces and fingers are.

Seriously, it’s like you’ve got KFC strapped to the side of your head.

3.) The Mii Channel

Most of us have played the Wii and had a good time drunkenly creating the most retarded Mii possible. The Mii Channel is basically social networking, if you took out the communication, most of the social aspects (because they almost always need to be in the same room as you), and all of the networking. I don’t care that your Mii shows up on my console. It’s pretty much just an inoffensive avatar that I can beat to death in boxing, if I can get my character to even throw punches.

But here’s the rub: there are plenty of people on there that I don’t want anymore. Facebook can be the same way, but you can immediately unfriend someone when they update some bullshit status.

“OMFG I totally just did some underachieving, mundane minutia! Give me a goddamn prize!”

With cell phones it actually makes sense to keep some of the people you despise in there because a.) drunk dialing is totally hilarious, b.) you can screen your calls/messages.

“If my fucking son calls me one more time I’m going have him killed by yakuza thugs.”

But the Mii Channel is different. I’ll kick on some Wii Sports or whatever and play a game of tennis because I haven’t accidently thrown things at my TV in a while. Or maybe I want to play some baseball. Boom. The trap is sprung. Suddenly I’m forced to compete with or against all of the stupid “friends” I intentionally lost contact with and every fucking ex-girlfriend that I can't stand the mention of. That is not an OK thing. I hate these people and I’ve said some vicious shit about a lot of them.

“Get out of my goddamn life, fuck-slaw!”

And I can’t immediately do anything about it. I have to stop my game and go to the special channel where they live. Then I have to track them down while they actively try to walk away from my cursor. I will admit that it’s fucking awesome to snatch them up by the head, watch them flail wildly, and then throw their body into a garbage can. It’s like being some guy in the mafia that everyone calls “Tiny” or “Bulldozer.”

So the Mii Channel has become this cursed realm for me, inhabited by woeful, malevolent phantoms. I feel like I need to go on a Stalin-esque purge just talking about the damn thing. It only succeeds in making me feel rage, shame, and disgust. And that’s a combo meal that you normally can only pick up from a dominatrix or Taco Bell.

“I always order the #3 Meef Chewbacca with Queasy-ritos, and I regret it every single time.”

4.) Man vs. Wild

Watching a dude survive against all odds in nature should be awesome, right?

Pictured: awesome

The reality is you sit through an hour of watching a man drink his own piss.

Or elephant piss via elephant dung. He’s not picky, really.

LP out.

Think Diff'rent

No. OK? No, Apple, I'm not going to buy your new $829 paperweight. I'm mad about the iPad, not because it's new and expensive, but because they're telling me that I fucking need it. Nobody needs this. The entire product is like recycled parts from other devices they've already made, and many were questionable. But you can read all about these horrible atrocities on any site because they are 100% true. What's worse is that in the year 2010, a year that they've made science fiction movies about where HAL 9000 hangs out around Jupiter, Steve Jobs described technology as "magical." For real? Magic? That's the kind of thing that puritans would accuse you of if you took a Zippo back in time to Salem, Massachusetts. Magic is reserved for deities, warlocks, and those goth kids in high school that watched "The Craft" too many times.

based on a true story

What kind of trouble is your PR department in if they have to tell consumers that your newest invention is powered by dark sorcelations? This is like The Beatles saying they were bigger than Jesus, although in their case, they can at least claim it was taken out of context. And it's not like this is the first time Apple has shown up with a half-assed science project that they left until the last day to do. Or did you forget?


1.) The Apple Newton

This device was ridiculous enough to warrant Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons making fun of it.

that's not even a fucking joke

That's what the Newton spit out when Nelson wrote "Beat up Bart." The show was mocking the Newton's complete inability to translate handwriting into text, otherwise known as "the-huge-innovation-they-were-really-pushing-hard-on-the-Newton." They can be given a little bit of credit here for pushing the idea of the PDA. But they didn't even do a good job at their stated purpose, which they were never able to actually define. The thing with Apple is that they strive not to just be the spear point of innovation, but remain the best option even when that technology becomes common place. A lot of people owned PDA's, yes. Hell, I still have one in my desk. But nobody at all had a Newton. Did you ever even see them in Staples or wherever (there were no Apple stores back then)?

also it was the size of the meteorite in Armageddon

2.) The Apple PipPin

You didn't even know this was a real thing. But it was and it's been placed on numerous "worst products" lists.

and it doesn't even look like that hobbit from Lord of the Rings

This entertainment console was apparently released in 1996, but you could have fooled me. You know why? I was too busy playing games on the PlayStation, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo (it still had a little life left in it), and even the goddamn Saturn.

don't you dare judge me

I can't even name you one game that came out on the PipPin. I'm told that it was a bigger deal in Japan. So? Everything is popular there. I'm a big deal in Japan. Vending machines that sell used underwear are huge in Japan and that is the antithesis of a compelling argument.


3.) Apple TV

This one's new, so they have no excuse for it. You're probably in trouble when Penny Arcade devotes their resources to making fun of you. Do you have one of these sitting next to your TV?

answer: no

Because you already have a computer and probably an iPod. If you want to watch movies from iTunes, you just watch them on your computer or iPod. Duh. Oh, I almost forgot, you probably have Netflix, Video on Demand from a cable provider, one of those Red Box things that charge you $1.00 a night, or a motherfucking Blockbuster card.

Apparently this shiny box is indeed selling, since Apple keeps posting projected sales. But I have no idea who these people are and I don't much care to.


4.) Their Stupid Mouses/Mice/Whatever

Remember this bastard from why back at the turn of the century?

eh?

That fucking hockey puck made my life hell when I was in Photography class. Trying to use an already super slow iteration of Photoshop while using this disc caused me to fuck up a lot of projects. And it left my hand as a gnarled claw. And I guess this was their response:

Apple products are so shiny you're not supposed to touch them

A mouse that had no buttons but still clicked on every fucking thing you moused over. Maybe if you have pincers to hold it, it works a lot better.

it was probably huge with crabs

5.) Macintosh Portable

Laptops are pretty rad. They're even calling them "desktop replacements" these days. But you know what sucks? Needing a really sturdy desk to support your "laptop." The Macintosh Portable weighed in at a devastating 16 pounds.

"I'm just big-boned you guys."

Human babies weigh less than that and I don't even want those on my lap. And the problems didn't stop there. If you used the batteries and ran them down, they failed completely. Like "you couldn't ever use them again" kind of fail. We've all had our cell phones die in the middle of a conversation because we were negligent in charging or that phone sex operator was just saying all the right things.

"So, what are you wearing?"

But imagine throwing away your battery, or worse your iPhone, if the battery died on you. Also, if the batteries were dead, you couldn't get this beast to turn on even if it was plugged into the wall. All I'm saying is that for a price tag of $6,500, I want to be purchasing a device that, you know, works. It could have been worse, though.

6.) The Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh

Released in 1997, it was expected to cost $9,000. Hitmen work for less than $9,000, meaning some people's lives are worth less than that computer. Thankfully, Apple took pity on us and lowered the price to a much more manageable $7,499. Seriously, I'm glad they left that extra $1.00 off because $7,500 is waaaaaay too much.

in 2010 dollars it's worth like, infinity dollars

LP out.

Winter is Stupid

Some people can be described as not being a "morning person." I am not a "winter person" and I want to make that explicitly clear. I'll get it engraved on a ring and punch you in the face Phantom-style if I have to. There's a reason airfare drops to the Midwest during these months and it's because being freezing cold sucks and it's winter's fucking fault. Don't believe me?


1.) Shorter Days

Look, I know that there's no changing the laws of the solar system and that the Earth is just going to keel over on its axis. It's like your drunken friend that, no matter how close to their door you drop them off, they're going face first onto the pavement.

at least they won't remember it until they start puking the next day

Such it is with the Earth's rotation. But what really makes it worse is motherfucking Daylight Savings Time. First off, I don't know what they're actually trying to save. It's not like there's a goddamned daylight bank. You can't store up your daylight all year long and then go buy a PlayStation 3. It's intangible and anyway it doesn't belong to you. It's Daylight Theft Time, is what it is, and you're stealing it from me and every other person that enjoys not living in a pitch black void. And because it's cold, you don't go outside during the day if you don't have to, thus you inhabit a nightmare world of eternal darkness. I am willing to go to work in the dark OR come home in the dark. But I am not down with the one-two punch of darkness. It only leads to heavy drinking and surly blogs on my part.


2.) The Weather is Actively Trying to Murder You

Yeah, yeah, I know that there are other times of the year when the weather can kill you. Severe thunder storms and hurricanes will fuck you up, no doubt.

and twisters can throw a whole lot of Helen Hunt right at your face

Those are bad experiences and anyone who has gone through them can tell you that. What's different is that winter weather is constantly assaulting you. You don't get a break. The best you can hope to get away with is freezing cold temperatures. It's unrelenting. But the Snow Miser makes it so much more of a pain in the ass with precipitation.

motherfucker didn't even try to save X-mas

There is no other season that has the variety of precipitation that winter has. Have you ever heard of a "Spring Time Mix?" No, because that isn't a real fucking thing. And even if it was, it would probably just mean that you'd get rained on by tulips, pony dreams, and rainbows. But everyone knows that a "Wintry Mix" is a great opportunity to wreck your car, lose power, and die.


3.) You Need Equipment to Survive

You know what you need to make it through summer? A fan. Maybe an air conditioner if you want to be extra comfortable.

although Dentyne Ice has the same effect

In autumn, I guess you need need a hoodie and potentially a rake for the leaves. If you're a show-off bastard you may even have a leaf blower. Spring only requires friends and beer to enhance its preexisting awesomeness. If you hate April showers, you might want to invest in an umbrella. But, oh no, not fucking winter. Winter doesn't even want you to survive. It wants you to end up like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

it's a winter wonderland!

Winter hates you. If you want to continue living with most, if not all, of your extremities you're going to need to stock up. You need hats, coats, scarves, boots, snow shovels, ice scrapers, road salt, gloves/mittens, layers upon layers of clothes, fire, bread and milk, power companies with cherry picker trucks to fix your iced over power lines, something with Gore Tex because it sounds awesome, extra blankets, snow tires, friends to help push your car out of a snow embankment, and something to do inside to occupy your time since it sucks outside. That's a lot of things and a lot of them sell out when there's the slightest hint of oncoming bad weather. In the summer, the store clerk never says, "I'm sorry sir, it appears we're completely out of beer, charcoal, burgers, volley balls, bikinis, and good times." And that's another good point right there, winter has a noticeable lack of bikini-clad women. Or men, if you're into that.

4.) February is Bullshit

February is technically the shortest month, but you'd never believe that if you've lived through even one February. It is, in fact, the longest month. At this point in the winter season, you just want it to end. It's dark, cold, wet, and you're running low on Gore Tex or whatever. To borrow a phrase from Douglas Adams, it is the long dark teatime of the soul. Side effects of February may include a sudden interest in whiskey, irrational purchases, reading Bukowski, and German existentialism. But wait, there's more!

MORE?!?!

February has invented the one holiday strictly conceived to make you feel like shit. God damned Valentine's Day. You're fucked. That's all there is to it. It's anguish for everyone involved. You just got through X-mas, which means if you're seeing someone or married you've already had to come up with a romantic, thoughtful, and creative present. And god only knows when your anniversary is and what you thought up for that. Now you're expected to do it all over again. Fuck that. You know what's awesome? Showing someone how much they mean to you on a date that's actually important and relevant to your lives. I'm all for that. I'm not OK with setting a pass/fail date like it's a goddamn college entrance exam.

"college" is used here to represent the amount
of clothes the two of you will be wearing

And Valentine's Day hates single people. It wants singles to feel so bad that they see the world as nothing but a series of gallows and guillotines. Want to watch some TV to take your mind off of your loneliness? Get ready to be assaulted by a nonstop barrage of ads telling you that "he went to Jared." How about just pigging out on some candy? Hope you like eating chocolate out of heart shaped boxes to remind you that yours is broken in half. Want to go to pick up some beer or wine to drown your sorrows in? You've got to make it through the completely tacky aisle of red and pink children's cards.

even children get more action than you

You know that scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray declares that there's no way this winter is ever going to end? That's what you're in for.

Except with less Andi McDowell.


LP out.