Think Diff'rent

No. OK? No, Apple, I'm not going to buy your new $829 paperweight. I'm mad about the iPad, not because it's new and expensive, but because they're telling me that I fucking need it. Nobody needs this. The entire product is like recycled parts from other devices they've already made, and many were questionable. But you can read all about these horrible atrocities on any site because they are 100% true. What's worse is that in the year 2010, a year that they've made science fiction movies about where HAL 9000 hangs out around Jupiter, Steve Jobs described technology as "magical." For real? Magic? That's the kind of thing that puritans would accuse you of if you took a Zippo back in time to Salem, Massachusetts. Magic is reserved for deities, warlocks, and those goth kids in high school that watched "The Craft" too many times.

based on a true story

What kind of trouble is your PR department in if they have to tell consumers that your newest invention is powered by dark sorcelations? This is like The Beatles saying they were bigger than Jesus, although in their case, they can at least claim it was taken out of context. And it's not like this is the first time Apple has shown up with a half-assed science project that they left until the last day to do. Or did you forget?


1.) The Apple Newton

This device was ridiculous enough to warrant Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons making fun of it.

that's not even a fucking joke

That's what the Newton spit out when Nelson wrote "Beat up Bart." The show was mocking the Newton's complete inability to translate handwriting into text, otherwise known as "the-huge-innovation-they-were-really-pushing-hard-on-the-Newton." They can be given a little bit of credit here for pushing the idea of the PDA. But they didn't even do a good job at their stated purpose, which they were never able to actually define. The thing with Apple is that they strive not to just be the spear point of innovation, but remain the best option even when that technology becomes common place. A lot of people owned PDA's, yes. Hell, I still have one in my desk. But nobody at all had a Newton. Did you ever even see them in Staples or wherever (there were no Apple stores back then)?

also it was the size of the meteorite in Armageddon

2.) The Apple PipPin

You didn't even know this was a real thing. But it was and it's been placed on numerous "worst products" lists.

and it doesn't even look like that hobbit from Lord of the Rings

This entertainment console was apparently released in 1996, but you could have fooled me. You know why? I was too busy playing games on the PlayStation, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo (it still had a little life left in it), and even the goddamn Saturn.

don't you dare judge me

I can't even name you one game that came out on the PipPin. I'm told that it was a bigger deal in Japan. So? Everything is popular there. I'm a big deal in Japan. Vending machines that sell used underwear are huge in Japan and that is the antithesis of a compelling argument.


3.) Apple TV

This one's new, so they have no excuse for it. You're probably in trouble when Penny Arcade devotes their resources to making fun of you. Do you have one of these sitting next to your TV?

answer: no

Because you already have a computer and probably an iPod. If you want to watch movies from iTunes, you just watch them on your computer or iPod. Duh. Oh, I almost forgot, you probably have Netflix, Video on Demand from a cable provider, one of those Red Box things that charge you $1.00 a night, or a motherfucking Blockbuster card.

Apparently this shiny box is indeed selling, since Apple keeps posting projected sales. But I have no idea who these people are and I don't much care to.


4.) Their Stupid Mouses/Mice/Whatever

Remember this bastard from why back at the turn of the century?

eh?

That fucking hockey puck made my life hell when I was in Photography class. Trying to use an already super slow iteration of Photoshop while using this disc caused me to fuck up a lot of projects. And it left my hand as a gnarled claw. And I guess this was their response:

Apple products are so shiny you're not supposed to touch them

A mouse that had no buttons but still clicked on every fucking thing you moused over. Maybe if you have pincers to hold it, it works a lot better.

it was probably huge with crabs

5.) Macintosh Portable

Laptops are pretty rad. They're even calling them "desktop replacements" these days. But you know what sucks? Needing a really sturdy desk to support your "laptop." The Macintosh Portable weighed in at a devastating 16 pounds.

"I'm just big-boned you guys."

Human babies weigh less than that and I don't even want those on my lap. And the problems didn't stop there. If you used the batteries and ran them down, they failed completely. Like "you couldn't ever use them again" kind of fail. We've all had our cell phones die in the middle of a conversation because we were negligent in charging or that phone sex operator was just saying all the right things.

"So, what are you wearing?"

But imagine throwing away your battery, or worse your iPhone, if the battery died on you. Also, if the batteries were dead, you couldn't get this beast to turn on even if it was plugged into the wall. All I'm saying is that for a price tag of $6,500, I want to be purchasing a device that, you know, works. It could have been worse, though.

6.) The Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh

Released in 1997, it was expected to cost $9,000. Hitmen work for less than $9,000, meaning some people's lives are worth less than that computer. Thankfully, Apple took pity on us and lowered the price to a much more manageable $7,499. Seriously, I'm glad they left that extra $1.00 off because $7,500 is waaaaaay too much.

in 2010 dollars it's worth like, infinity dollars

LP out.