Unintended Consequences

There’s a long-standing belief that someone basically said there’s never going to be anymore new stuff. That one may be a fallacy (you figure it out, snopes.com), but people have made a lot of incredibly retarded statements about new inventions. You’ve probably said some stupid shit, too, but now you won’t own up to it. A lot of you reading this have at least an undergraduate or technical degree, are currently attending college, or have a vague idea of university life from watching the movie Road Trip. So you’ve probably had at least one idea that would change the world. Well, you were wrong. You can’t change the world no matter how many Facebook causes you join. That kind of slack-tivism gets you nowhere, especially when there are people out thinking shit up right now that you will pay money to own. Although, some of these creations have unintended, if not sinister, functions that their creators never really considered.

1.) The Internet

We can start out simple here and the Internet is low-hanging fruit. Most people are fully aware that the Internet was not invented by Al Gore and that he never actually said that, anyway. It was, however, created in response to Soviet scientific advances like Sputnik, which is still a pretty fun name to say. Back then it went by such monikers as ARPANET and was pretty much strictly for government use. It got some other names too, like MILNET, NIPRNET (which sounds totally dirty), and NSFNet. The damn thing was even designed to survive a nuclear strike, which is pretty cool because not a lot of things can do that. I included that link so you can read all about, but you won’t because you don’t fucking care. Know why?

It’s pretty much exclusively used for crime and boobs. That’s it.

This is what the Internet looks like:

Did you click on that picture to enlarge it? Go do that now and really try to take it in. And every single one of those lines ends at a thief or a titty. Sometimes both. It’s kind of like the best rat maze ever. Some crazy illegal shit goes down on the net. We’ve all come into contact with a Nigerian prince at some point, but it gets way worse. Fraud and extortion make sense, OK. But drug trafficking? You know things have really changed when you can use your Dell as a coke mule.

Where do you jam the condom full black tar heroin?

Murder is a serious WTF, though. Cannibalism or consensual murder is pretty fucked up. Never before have cannibals been able to have a little man-eating sewing circle from the comfort of their living rooms and that scares me to death. One in thirteen of you have thought about eating a person at some point in your adult lives.

I just made that shit up but you're totally thinking about it now.

And I can’t use Google Image for five minutes without encountering some level of nudity. When I was growing up, we had to work for our naked chicks. Kids had to steal their dads' magazines or be content with staying up late to watch the scrambled Spice Channel. If you wanted porn before, you had to walk to a creepy store with blacked out windows and avoid eye contact while purchasing your smut. Unless you live in Europe. I hear that everyone over there is pretty much naked all of the time.

2.) Cell Phones

Obviously these things have changed our lives hugely. Chances are you feel naked without yours. I know I’ve parked my car and run back into my apartment when I’ve left it behind. And I don’t do that with most things.

"Shit, did I leave the stove on? Did I leave the stove on with a baby on top of it!? Meh."

Most people use them completely in place of landlines. They damn near do everything and we depend on them for our very lives. Sometimes citizens with camera phones are the first to capture news events. Or whatever hilarious hobo they just saw.

Actually this is funnier than any hobo image I could find.

We’ve worked them into our lives so much that we’re developing completely new neuroses just for them.

Bitch, can't you wait five fucking minutes?

So what’s so bad about them? Fucking everything! They take all of the Internet’s problems and put them right in the palm of your hand. Don’t worry, though, they come with a whole new slice of horrible problems. Sexting, talking/texting while driving, electronic waste, gambling, the legality of recording by civilians, location tracking, and all kinds of photography issues are all part of that rich bouquet. “Blackberry thumb” sounds like it’s for pussies, though. Kids have killed themselves because embarrassing photos of them have spread like Ebola monkeys.

I’m not saying Outbreak is worse than child suicide, I’m just saying it fucking sucks and you should go to jail if you pay money to see it.

What’s worse, next time you’re in a public place like the mall, subway, or public restroom, look around and see how many people are on the phone. They’re all talking to someone, but not each other. I can’t even remember people’s phone numbers anymore. Nobody really wants to interact with anyone else anymore. Not if it isn’t through some weird digital medium. Which is fine, because I fucking hate people and their stupid voices.

Another major concern is that before we had cell phones, we had no idea how fucking greasy our disgusting faces and fingers are.

Seriously, it’s like you’ve got KFC strapped to the side of your head.

3.) The Mii Channel

Most of us have played the Wii and had a good time drunkenly creating the most retarded Mii possible. The Mii Channel is basically social networking, if you took out the communication, most of the social aspects (because they almost always need to be in the same room as you), and all of the networking. I don’t care that your Mii shows up on my console. It’s pretty much just an inoffensive avatar that I can beat to death in boxing, if I can get my character to even throw punches.

But here’s the rub: there are plenty of people on there that I don’t want anymore. Facebook can be the same way, but you can immediately unfriend someone when they update some bullshit status.

“OMFG I totally just did some underachieving, mundane minutia! Give me a goddamn prize!”

With cell phones it actually makes sense to keep some of the people you despise in there because a.) drunk dialing is totally hilarious, b.) you can screen your calls/messages.

“If my fucking son calls me one more time I’m going have him killed by yakuza thugs.”

But the Mii Channel is different. I’ll kick on some Wii Sports or whatever and play a game of tennis because I haven’t accidently thrown things at my TV in a while. Or maybe I want to play some baseball. Boom. The trap is sprung. Suddenly I’m forced to compete with or against all of the stupid “friends” I intentionally lost contact with and every fucking ex-girlfriend that I can't stand the mention of. That is not an OK thing. I hate these people and I’ve said some vicious shit about a lot of them.

“Get out of my goddamn life, fuck-slaw!”

And I can’t immediately do anything about it. I have to stop my game and go to the special channel where they live. Then I have to track them down while they actively try to walk away from my cursor. I will admit that it’s fucking awesome to snatch them up by the head, watch them flail wildly, and then throw their body into a garbage can. It’s like being some guy in the mafia that everyone calls “Tiny” or “Bulldozer.”

So the Mii Channel has become this cursed realm for me, inhabited by woeful, malevolent phantoms. I feel like I need to go on a Stalin-esque purge just talking about the damn thing. It only succeeds in making me feel rage, shame, and disgust. And that’s a combo meal that you normally can only pick up from a dominatrix or Taco Bell.

“I always order the #3 Meef Chewbacca with Queasy-ritos, and I regret it every single time.”

4.) Man vs. Wild

Watching a dude survive against all odds in nature should be awesome, right?

Pictured: awesome

The reality is you sit through an hour of watching a man drink his own piss.

Or elephant piss via elephant dung. He’s not picky, really.

LP out.

Think Diff'rent

No. OK? No, Apple, I'm not going to buy your new $829 paperweight. I'm mad about the iPad, not because it's new and expensive, but because they're telling me that I fucking need it. Nobody needs this. The entire product is like recycled parts from other devices they've already made, and many were questionable. But you can read all about these horrible atrocities on any site because they are 100% true. What's worse is that in the year 2010, a year that they've made science fiction movies about where HAL 9000 hangs out around Jupiter, Steve Jobs described technology as "magical." For real? Magic? That's the kind of thing that puritans would accuse you of if you took a Zippo back in time to Salem, Massachusetts. Magic is reserved for deities, warlocks, and those goth kids in high school that watched "The Craft" too many times.

based on a true story

What kind of trouble is your PR department in if they have to tell consumers that your newest invention is powered by dark sorcelations? This is like The Beatles saying they were bigger than Jesus, although in their case, they can at least claim it was taken out of context. And it's not like this is the first time Apple has shown up with a half-assed science project that they left until the last day to do. Or did you forget?


1.) The Apple Newton

This device was ridiculous enough to warrant Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons making fun of it.

that's not even a fucking joke

That's what the Newton spit out when Nelson wrote "Beat up Bart." The show was mocking the Newton's complete inability to translate handwriting into text, otherwise known as "the-huge-innovation-they-were-really-pushing-hard-on-the-Newton." They can be given a little bit of credit here for pushing the idea of the PDA. But they didn't even do a good job at their stated purpose, which they were never able to actually define. The thing with Apple is that they strive not to just be the spear point of innovation, but remain the best option even when that technology becomes common place. A lot of people owned PDA's, yes. Hell, I still have one in my desk. But nobody at all had a Newton. Did you ever even see them in Staples or wherever (there were no Apple stores back then)?

also it was the size of the meteorite in Armageddon

2.) The Apple PipPin

You didn't even know this was a real thing. But it was and it's been placed on numerous "worst products" lists.

and it doesn't even look like that hobbit from Lord of the Rings

This entertainment console was apparently released in 1996, but you could have fooled me. You know why? I was too busy playing games on the PlayStation, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo (it still had a little life left in it), and even the goddamn Saturn.

don't you dare judge me

I can't even name you one game that came out on the PipPin. I'm told that it was a bigger deal in Japan. So? Everything is popular there. I'm a big deal in Japan. Vending machines that sell used underwear are huge in Japan and that is the antithesis of a compelling argument.


3.) Apple TV

This one's new, so they have no excuse for it. You're probably in trouble when Penny Arcade devotes their resources to making fun of you. Do you have one of these sitting next to your TV?

answer: no

Because you already have a computer and probably an iPod. If you want to watch movies from iTunes, you just watch them on your computer or iPod. Duh. Oh, I almost forgot, you probably have Netflix, Video on Demand from a cable provider, one of those Red Box things that charge you $1.00 a night, or a motherfucking Blockbuster card.

Apparently this shiny box is indeed selling, since Apple keeps posting projected sales. But I have no idea who these people are and I don't much care to.


4.) Their Stupid Mouses/Mice/Whatever

Remember this bastard from why back at the turn of the century?

eh?

That fucking hockey puck made my life hell when I was in Photography class. Trying to use an already super slow iteration of Photoshop while using this disc caused me to fuck up a lot of projects. And it left my hand as a gnarled claw. And I guess this was their response:

Apple products are so shiny you're not supposed to touch them

A mouse that had no buttons but still clicked on every fucking thing you moused over. Maybe if you have pincers to hold it, it works a lot better.

it was probably huge with crabs

5.) Macintosh Portable

Laptops are pretty rad. They're even calling them "desktop replacements" these days. But you know what sucks? Needing a really sturdy desk to support your "laptop." The Macintosh Portable weighed in at a devastating 16 pounds.

"I'm just big-boned you guys."

Human babies weigh less than that and I don't even want those on my lap. And the problems didn't stop there. If you used the batteries and ran them down, they failed completely. Like "you couldn't ever use them again" kind of fail. We've all had our cell phones die in the middle of a conversation because we were negligent in charging or that phone sex operator was just saying all the right things.

"So, what are you wearing?"

But imagine throwing away your battery, or worse your iPhone, if the battery died on you. Also, if the batteries were dead, you couldn't get this beast to turn on even if it was plugged into the wall. All I'm saying is that for a price tag of $6,500, I want to be purchasing a device that, you know, works. It could have been worse, though.

6.) The Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh

Released in 1997, it was expected to cost $9,000. Hitmen work for less than $9,000, meaning some people's lives are worth less than that computer. Thankfully, Apple took pity on us and lowered the price to a much more manageable $7,499. Seriously, I'm glad they left that extra $1.00 off because $7,500 is waaaaaay too much.

in 2010 dollars it's worth like, infinity dollars

LP out.

Winter is Stupid

Some people can be described as not being a "morning person." I am not a "winter person" and I want to make that explicitly clear. I'll get it engraved on a ring and punch you in the face Phantom-style if I have to. There's a reason airfare drops to the Midwest during these months and it's because being freezing cold sucks and it's winter's fucking fault. Don't believe me?


1.) Shorter Days

Look, I know that there's no changing the laws of the solar system and that the Earth is just going to keel over on its axis. It's like your drunken friend that, no matter how close to their door you drop them off, they're going face first onto the pavement.

at least they won't remember it until they start puking the next day

Such it is with the Earth's rotation. But what really makes it worse is motherfucking Daylight Savings Time. First off, I don't know what they're actually trying to save. It's not like there's a goddamned daylight bank. You can't store up your daylight all year long and then go buy a PlayStation 3. It's intangible and anyway it doesn't belong to you. It's Daylight Theft Time, is what it is, and you're stealing it from me and every other person that enjoys not living in a pitch black void. And because it's cold, you don't go outside during the day if you don't have to, thus you inhabit a nightmare world of eternal darkness. I am willing to go to work in the dark OR come home in the dark. But I am not down with the one-two punch of darkness. It only leads to heavy drinking and surly blogs on my part.


2.) The Weather is Actively Trying to Murder You

Yeah, yeah, I know that there are other times of the year when the weather can kill you. Severe thunder storms and hurricanes will fuck you up, no doubt.

and twisters can throw a whole lot of Helen Hunt right at your face

Those are bad experiences and anyone who has gone through them can tell you that. What's different is that winter weather is constantly assaulting you. You don't get a break. The best you can hope to get away with is freezing cold temperatures. It's unrelenting. But the Snow Miser makes it so much more of a pain in the ass with precipitation.

motherfucker didn't even try to save X-mas

There is no other season that has the variety of precipitation that winter has. Have you ever heard of a "Spring Time Mix?" No, because that isn't a real fucking thing. And even if it was, it would probably just mean that you'd get rained on by tulips, pony dreams, and rainbows. But everyone knows that a "Wintry Mix" is a great opportunity to wreck your car, lose power, and die.


3.) You Need Equipment to Survive

You know what you need to make it through summer? A fan. Maybe an air conditioner if you want to be extra comfortable.

although Dentyne Ice has the same effect

In autumn, I guess you need need a hoodie and potentially a rake for the leaves. If you're a show-off bastard you may even have a leaf blower. Spring only requires friends and beer to enhance its preexisting awesomeness. If you hate April showers, you might want to invest in an umbrella. But, oh no, not fucking winter. Winter doesn't even want you to survive. It wants you to end up like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

it's a winter wonderland!

Winter hates you. If you want to continue living with most, if not all, of your extremities you're going to need to stock up. You need hats, coats, scarves, boots, snow shovels, ice scrapers, road salt, gloves/mittens, layers upon layers of clothes, fire, bread and milk, power companies with cherry picker trucks to fix your iced over power lines, something with Gore Tex because it sounds awesome, extra blankets, snow tires, friends to help push your car out of a snow embankment, and something to do inside to occupy your time since it sucks outside. That's a lot of things and a lot of them sell out when there's the slightest hint of oncoming bad weather. In the summer, the store clerk never says, "I'm sorry sir, it appears we're completely out of beer, charcoal, burgers, volley balls, bikinis, and good times." And that's another good point right there, winter has a noticeable lack of bikini-clad women. Or men, if you're into that.

4.) February is Bullshit

February is technically the shortest month, but you'd never believe that if you've lived through even one February. It is, in fact, the longest month. At this point in the winter season, you just want it to end. It's dark, cold, wet, and you're running low on Gore Tex or whatever. To borrow a phrase from Douglas Adams, it is the long dark teatime of the soul. Side effects of February may include a sudden interest in whiskey, irrational purchases, reading Bukowski, and German existentialism. But wait, there's more!

MORE?!?!

February has invented the one holiday strictly conceived to make you feel like shit. God damned Valentine's Day. You're fucked. That's all there is to it. It's anguish for everyone involved. You just got through X-mas, which means if you're seeing someone or married you've already had to come up with a romantic, thoughtful, and creative present. And god only knows when your anniversary is and what you thought up for that. Now you're expected to do it all over again. Fuck that. You know what's awesome? Showing someone how much they mean to you on a date that's actually important and relevant to your lives. I'm all for that. I'm not OK with setting a pass/fail date like it's a goddamn college entrance exam.

"college" is used here to represent the amount
of clothes the two of you will be wearing

And Valentine's Day hates single people. It wants singles to feel so bad that they see the world as nothing but a series of gallows and guillotines. Want to watch some TV to take your mind off of your loneliness? Get ready to be assaulted by a nonstop barrage of ads telling you that "he went to Jared." How about just pigging out on some candy? Hope you like eating chocolate out of heart shaped boxes to remind you that yours is broken in half. Want to go to pick up some beer or wine to drown your sorrows in? You've got to make it through the completely tacky aisle of red and pink children's cards.

even children get more action than you

You know that scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray declares that there's no way this winter is ever going to end? That's what you're in for.

Except with less Andi McDowell.


LP out.

Sony: Failing Real Good Since 1975

It's X-mas season again, which means if you're a guy under the age of 30, you're entertaining sweet reveries of the latest electronic devices. The desire to constantly acquire and update anything with circuitry is keyed directly into the Y chromosome. It's right there between Adam's apple and testicles. Best Buy circulars are straight up gadget porn to dudes, even though I won't shop there because of their annoying ads with carolers that get stuck in my head (hahaha, your turn!).

we're going to need some alone time

Anyway, every time I buy a movie now all I can think is how much more badass it would be on Blu-ray with an HDTV. It's a bit annoying since marketing drones across the world just finished telling me how awesome DVD was and now they're like, "Come on, guys. We weren't even serious about that last one. All the cool kids are doing Blu-ray now." I guess I just suggested that all forms of media are drugs...but I'm going to run with that analogy: DVD's are now the Quaaludes of the media world.

The really important thing of note here is that Sony has finally won. They've been pushing proprietary formats for a long time and they've finally got us hooked. No one brand was directly responsible for the CD and DVD formats. In fact nobody even knows what the fuck DVD stands for. So because no one owned those formats, no one was able to collect all of our souls as payment. Well, Sony decided that just wouldn't do. Sony makes movies. That means if they'd wanted to play hard ball they could have chosen to make their movies available only on Blu-ray. They were always going to win against HD DVD. And now we must come to love our new master. But maybe you've forgotten about all of the failed attempts Sony has made to lure us into they're creepy van.

hint: they didn't use candy

1.) Magic Gate/Memory Stick:

Sony actually did pretty well with this one, mostly because we didn't know any better. It's like when you first got the internet back in 1996 and you subscribed to AOL because "why the fuck not?"

because everyone at AOL hates you, that's why not

We've seen a lot of rapid expansion in digital technology and a lot of people just grit their teeth, shut their eyes, and dive in. When the average consumer goes to buy a device, let's say a camera, they don't always go in with all of the information they need. It usually boils down to knowing that a.) more mega pixels are better, and b.) high profile brand names are the only way to go. That's not very helpful.

would you like the Magnet Box, the Panaphonics, or the Sorny?

You know the Sony name. They make good shit, right? And how were you to know which memory card was going to become the most widely used? You probably had only heard of the competing Compact Flash cards at the time. But the real place that Sony found an application for this technology was in their PlayStation systems. The PlayStation 2 used memory cards which we'd come to have accepted as standard. These memory cards exclusively required Magic Gate authentication. That means that not just any company could produce third party cards. No, you had to be directly licensed by Sony, which meant the prices were fixed. So while I could buy a 512MB card for my Nintendo Game Cube for $30, I was stuck buying 32MB cards from Sony over and over at $20 a pop. And the PlayStation Portable requires a Memory Stick as storage. So if you want to use any of those devices, you're just going to have to ask Sony to "please be gentle."


2.) UMD:

While we're on the topic of the PSP, who could forget the Universal Media Disc? So compact and sexy. And it's universal! You can do anything with this son of a bitch!

you can even use the cases to store Sony's other formats!

OK, so it's a disc-based portable system and that's a first. Neat, right? No. No one gives a fuck. That's why they're out there playing Nintendogs or whatever, that are just printed on a flash-memory cartridge. Disc-based systems run into a lot of problems. Remember when portable CD players were becoming common? Remember how they could detect an earthquake in China and they would immediately skip? That's the problem. There a ton of tiny, precise moving parts in those things and it doesn't take much for one to break and fuck up the entire thing.

you're fucked

But back to the "universal" part. You were supposed to be watching movies on these fuckers. That sounds fine on paper, right? Well, the catch is you paid the same price as a full DVD which contained bonus features, commentaries, surround sound profiles, and higher resolutions. The UMD movies had none of that. Oh, and more than one person could watch a DVD at the same time. This concept was so mind bogglingly retarded that even Walmart stopped selling UMD copies of movies because no one wanted them. Also, the little open space where the PSP's laser read the UMD was completely uncovered and prone to scratching...


3.) MiniDisc:

...But the MiniDisc at least had a sliding cover to protect the optical disc inside, as well as some hardcore anti-skip protection. And what's more, the MiniDisc was a moderate success for Sony. Just not with you. No, all of you owned CD players because that was the cheaper, more logical thing to do. When you bought a CD, you were like, "Great, I just a bought a CD! On the way home I'm going to listen to it on my car's CD player and when I get home I'll listen to it on my stereo, and when I go out for a jog, I'll listen to it on my portable CD player." Why buy another, more expensive player that required its own special kind of discs and needed a computer to convert your CD into ATRAC format files (true MP3 profiles weren't supported because, you know, Sony didn't own them)? Only music industry, radio, and audiophiles bought this fucker.

I actually own several...

The MiniDisc did have some really bitchin' qualities, though, and that's why it was used in all of those industries. First, most of the players were compact and ran off of one AA battery for around 36 hours. Batteries used to be a big deal in the era of portable CD players. Second, each MiniDisc could hold about five CD's worth of music. That's a lot of music in a small space and each disc was rewritable. Think of it like a removable storage medium for an MP3 player. The third and maybe most important feature to sound nerds, it had an optical jack (most people don't fucking care) and a microphone input. You could record directly into this thing. So it got used a lot for high quality, digital recordings of interviews. Beyond just recording, you were able to place or remove track marks at any point in a recording or song. So you could jump to different sections of an interview or just skip right to the part of a song you actually like.

Having sung its virtues, this motherfucker is the bastard son of the CD-R and the MP3 player. It was middle-ware and really had no place in the consumer market. You probably didn't even remember it. Or, at best, you thought it disappeared a long time ago. Guess what? Fuck you, that's what.


4.) Motherfucking Betamax:

There's not really much I can say here since the name "Betamax" is synonymous with failure. Most people born before a certain date remember this high priced paperweight. It was launched in 1975, but I knew more people growing up with Laserdisc players than these god damned things. But there was a massive war between Sony's Betamax and JVC's VHS cassettes. The 1-hour recording time probably hurt them there since VHS (which stands for "Video Home System" because don't even pretend that you knew that shit) could record up to 4-hours. And this was in a day when VCR's cost the low, low price of infinity dollars.

you've probably got enough there for a VCR and a copy of Flashdance

Hey, at least they did better than DIVX managed against DVD. You don't even fucking know what DIVX was, so don't even play.

again, I still own two of them...

LP out.

Halloween is Better Than Whatever Holiday You Like

Here's the deal, plain and simple: Halloween is way more awesome than you, your mom, or your whatever you got for your tenth birthday. And I'll tell you exactly why.

1.) Halloween is a Legitimate Excuse for Vanity

On Halloween, your only job is to be bad ass and make sure that everyone knows it. It's a competition. You actually go to places to win prizes based upon how awesome you are.

It's not always going to work out in your favor, though.

In fact, not only are you rewarded for your impression of a serial killer/demon/racially inappropriate costume, but if you can't come up with anything good, you're actually derided for it. That's like if you gave your dad a lame tie for Father's Day and he then proceeded to tie up your hands with it while he beat you with his belt.

Lame Second Place:

The only thing close to Halloween in this respect is the time honored tradition of over-the-top X-mas lights. Except what you win there is the "White Trash of the Year Award."

Is this guy inclusive or retarded?

2.) Halloween is Openly Selfish and Greedy

This one barely requires explanation and is particularly evident amongst children. Children have no real crafting skills and their costume creativity extends only so far as the movie they just saw. So what happens here is their costumes' level bad-assery is qualified solely on how much money their parents spent on them, and, by extension, how much their parents love them.

Pictured: So much love/money.

But here's where it really gets good. After the child looks awesome (through no effort of their own), they march up to strangers' homes and demand to be rewarded. Holy shit!

That girl is even kneeling in his presence!

That never works for anything else in life. If I showed up at your house, banging on the door at 10:00 at night to tell you that I'd just beaten my previous high score in Tetris, you would call the fucking cops.

Lame Second Place:

St. Patrick's Day has no end of apparel that demands you preform actions upon the wearer based solely on their ethnic heritage.

Even wasted chicks won't fuck you in that shirt.

The difference here is that a child on Halloween takes your candy away from you, and a drunken "Irish" man vomits down your throat when you kiss him.

3.) Halloween Allows You to Terrify People Legally

Other holidays simply try to amplify an emotion that you're already supposed to be expressing. Pretty much universally, the emotion expressed is one of kindness and respect. Those holidays are for pussies.

At least Arbor Day is making a fucking effort.

Halloween keeps it real. It's never acceptable in day-to-day life to jump out at people and give off the impression that you're about to murder them. Worse yet, the impression that you have already been recently murdered and are now going to murder them.

Think of it like a really fucked up game of Telephone.

Now, you may feel these urges every day, but you don't get to act upon them without going to jail, otherwise known as "the place where real murderers will rape you."

Lame Second Place:

Fucking Valentine's Day. Don't even pretend that's the kind of shit you think about when you get up in the morning.

THIS IS NEVER SOMETHING YOU THINK ABOUT!

4.) Pranking the Shit Out of People

We're not talking about "Ha ha, I got you!" kind of pranks. I mean malicious, over-the-top pranks...that frequently backfire in hilarious or ironic ways.

Lame Second Place:

Obviously, April Fool's Day. But when an April Fool's joke goes sour, you don't fucking die.

"Ha ha! I got y-...gurgle, gurgle..."

LP out.