Think Diff'rent

No. OK? No, Apple, I'm not going to buy your new $829 paperweight. I'm mad about the iPad, not because it's new and expensive, but because they're telling me that I fucking need it. Nobody needs this. The entire product is like recycled parts from other devices they've already made, and many were questionable. But you can read all about these horrible atrocities on any site because they are 100% true. What's worse is that in the year 2010, a year that they've made science fiction movies about where HAL 9000 hangs out around Jupiter, Steve Jobs described technology as "magical." For real? Magic? That's the kind of thing that puritans would accuse you of if you took a Zippo back in time to Salem, Massachusetts. Magic is reserved for deities, warlocks, and those goth kids in high school that watched "The Craft" too many times.

based on a true story

What kind of trouble is your PR department in if they have to tell consumers that your newest invention is powered by dark sorcelations? This is like The Beatles saying they were bigger than Jesus, although in their case, they can at least claim it was taken out of context. And it's not like this is the first time Apple has shown up with a half-assed science project that they left until the last day to do. Or did you forget?


1.) The Apple Newton

This device was ridiculous enough to warrant Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons making fun of it.

that's not even a fucking joke

That's what the Newton spit out when Nelson wrote "Beat up Bart." The show was mocking the Newton's complete inability to translate handwriting into text, otherwise known as "the-huge-innovation-they-were-really-pushing-hard-on-the-Newton." They can be given a little bit of credit here for pushing the idea of the PDA. But they didn't even do a good job at their stated purpose, which they were never able to actually define. The thing with Apple is that they strive not to just be the spear point of innovation, but remain the best option even when that technology becomes common place. A lot of people owned PDA's, yes. Hell, I still have one in my desk. But nobody at all had a Newton. Did you ever even see them in Staples or wherever (there were no Apple stores back then)?

also it was the size of the meteorite in Armageddon

2.) The Apple PipPin

You didn't even know this was a real thing. But it was and it's been placed on numerous "worst products" lists.

and it doesn't even look like that hobbit from Lord of the Rings

This entertainment console was apparently released in 1996, but you could have fooled me. You know why? I was too busy playing games on the PlayStation, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo (it still had a little life left in it), and even the goddamn Saturn.

don't you dare judge me

I can't even name you one game that came out on the PipPin. I'm told that it was a bigger deal in Japan. So? Everything is popular there. I'm a big deal in Japan. Vending machines that sell used underwear are huge in Japan and that is the antithesis of a compelling argument.


3.) Apple TV

This one's new, so they have no excuse for it. You're probably in trouble when Penny Arcade devotes their resources to making fun of you. Do you have one of these sitting next to your TV?

answer: no

Because you already have a computer and probably an iPod. If you want to watch movies from iTunes, you just watch them on your computer or iPod. Duh. Oh, I almost forgot, you probably have Netflix, Video on Demand from a cable provider, one of those Red Box things that charge you $1.00 a night, or a motherfucking Blockbuster card.

Apparently this shiny box is indeed selling, since Apple keeps posting projected sales. But I have no idea who these people are and I don't much care to.


4.) Their Stupid Mouses/Mice/Whatever

Remember this bastard from why back at the turn of the century?

eh?

That fucking hockey puck made my life hell when I was in Photography class. Trying to use an already super slow iteration of Photoshop while using this disc caused me to fuck up a lot of projects. And it left my hand as a gnarled claw. And I guess this was their response:

Apple products are so shiny you're not supposed to touch them

A mouse that had no buttons but still clicked on every fucking thing you moused over. Maybe if you have pincers to hold it, it works a lot better.

it was probably huge with crabs

5.) Macintosh Portable

Laptops are pretty rad. They're even calling them "desktop replacements" these days. But you know what sucks? Needing a really sturdy desk to support your "laptop." The Macintosh Portable weighed in at a devastating 16 pounds.

"I'm just big-boned you guys."

Human babies weigh less than that and I don't even want those on my lap. And the problems didn't stop there. If you used the batteries and ran them down, they failed completely. Like "you couldn't ever use them again" kind of fail. We've all had our cell phones die in the middle of a conversation because we were negligent in charging or that phone sex operator was just saying all the right things.

"So, what are you wearing?"

But imagine throwing away your battery, or worse your iPhone, if the battery died on you. Also, if the batteries were dead, you couldn't get this beast to turn on even if it was plugged into the wall. All I'm saying is that for a price tag of $6,500, I want to be purchasing a device that, you know, works. It could have been worse, though.

6.) The Twentieth Anniversary Macintosh

Released in 1997, it was expected to cost $9,000. Hitmen work for less than $9,000, meaning some people's lives are worth less than that computer. Thankfully, Apple took pity on us and lowered the price to a much more manageable $7,499. Seriously, I'm glad they left that extra $1.00 off because $7,500 is waaaaaay too much.

in 2010 dollars it's worth like, infinity dollars

LP out.

Winter is Stupid

Some people can be described as not being a "morning person." I am not a "winter person" and I want to make that explicitly clear. I'll get it engraved on a ring and punch you in the face Phantom-style if I have to. There's a reason airfare drops to the Midwest during these months and it's because being freezing cold sucks and it's winter's fucking fault. Don't believe me?


1.) Shorter Days

Look, I know that there's no changing the laws of the solar system and that the Earth is just going to keel over on its axis. It's like your drunken friend that, no matter how close to their door you drop them off, they're going face first onto the pavement.

at least they won't remember it until they start puking the next day

Such it is with the Earth's rotation. But what really makes it worse is motherfucking Daylight Savings Time. First off, I don't know what they're actually trying to save. It's not like there's a goddamned daylight bank. You can't store up your daylight all year long and then go buy a PlayStation 3. It's intangible and anyway it doesn't belong to you. It's Daylight Theft Time, is what it is, and you're stealing it from me and every other person that enjoys not living in a pitch black void. And because it's cold, you don't go outside during the day if you don't have to, thus you inhabit a nightmare world of eternal darkness. I am willing to go to work in the dark OR come home in the dark. But I am not down with the one-two punch of darkness. It only leads to heavy drinking and surly blogs on my part.


2.) The Weather is Actively Trying to Murder You

Yeah, yeah, I know that there are other times of the year when the weather can kill you. Severe thunder storms and hurricanes will fuck you up, no doubt.

and twisters can throw a whole lot of Helen Hunt right at your face

Those are bad experiences and anyone who has gone through them can tell you that. What's different is that winter weather is constantly assaulting you. You don't get a break. The best you can hope to get away with is freezing cold temperatures. It's unrelenting. But the Snow Miser makes it so much more of a pain in the ass with precipitation.

motherfucker didn't even try to save X-mas

There is no other season that has the variety of precipitation that winter has. Have you ever heard of a "Spring Time Mix?" No, because that isn't a real fucking thing. And even if it was, it would probably just mean that you'd get rained on by tulips, pony dreams, and rainbows. But everyone knows that a "Wintry Mix" is a great opportunity to wreck your car, lose power, and die.


3.) You Need Equipment to Survive

You know what you need to make it through summer? A fan. Maybe an air conditioner if you want to be extra comfortable.

although Dentyne Ice has the same effect

In autumn, I guess you need need a hoodie and potentially a rake for the leaves. If you're a show-off bastard you may even have a leaf blower. Spring only requires friends and beer to enhance its preexisting awesomeness. If you hate April showers, you might want to invest in an umbrella. But, oh no, not fucking winter. Winter doesn't even want you to survive. It wants you to end up like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

it's a winter wonderland!

Winter hates you. If you want to continue living with most, if not all, of your extremities you're going to need to stock up. You need hats, coats, scarves, boots, snow shovels, ice scrapers, road salt, gloves/mittens, layers upon layers of clothes, fire, bread and milk, power companies with cherry picker trucks to fix your iced over power lines, something with Gore Tex because it sounds awesome, extra blankets, snow tires, friends to help push your car out of a snow embankment, and something to do inside to occupy your time since it sucks outside. That's a lot of things and a lot of them sell out when there's the slightest hint of oncoming bad weather. In the summer, the store clerk never says, "I'm sorry sir, it appears we're completely out of beer, charcoal, burgers, volley balls, bikinis, and good times." And that's another good point right there, winter has a noticeable lack of bikini-clad women. Or men, if you're into that.

4.) February is Bullshit

February is technically the shortest month, but you'd never believe that if you've lived through even one February. It is, in fact, the longest month. At this point in the winter season, you just want it to end. It's dark, cold, wet, and you're running low on Gore Tex or whatever. To borrow a phrase from Douglas Adams, it is the long dark teatime of the soul. Side effects of February may include a sudden interest in whiskey, irrational purchases, reading Bukowski, and German existentialism. But wait, there's more!

MORE?!?!

February has invented the one holiday strictly conceived to make you feel like shit. God damned Valentine's Day. You're fucked. That's all there is to it. It's anguish for everyone involved. You just got through X-mas, which means if you're seeing someone or married you've already had to come up with a romantic, thoughtful, and creative present. And god only knows when your anniversary is and what you thought up for that. Now you're expected to do it all over again. Fuck that. You know what's awesome? Showing someone how much they mean to you on a date that's actually important and relevant to your lives. I'm all for that. I'm not OK with setting a pass/fail date like it's a goddamn college entrance exam.

"college" is used here to represent the amount
of clothes the two of you will be wearing

And Valentine's Day hates single people. It wants singles to feel so bad that they see the world as nothing but a series of gallows and guillotines. Want to watch some TV to take your mind off of your loneliness? Get ready to be assaulted by a nonstop barrage of ads telling you that "he went to Jared." How about just pigging out on some candy? Hope you like eating chocolate out of heart shaped boxes to remind you that yours is broken in half. Want to go to pick up some beer or wine to drown your sorrows in? You've got to make it through the completely tacky aisle of red and pink children's cards.

even children get more action than you

You know that scene in Groundhog Day where Bill Murray declares that there's no way this winter is ever going to end? That's what you're in for.

Except with less Andi McDowell.


LP out.