Australia is a never ending parade of death

I watch a lot of Discovery Channel. A large reason for this is the fact that you never have to wait more than an hour for something to blow the fuck up. The danger of the channel is that, without much warning, suddenly your program starts to highlight situations of unmitigated horror. But the two most important lessons I've internalized are that you can drink your own urine and Australia is hell on earth. Actually, both can be true at the same time. Here's my logic:

1.) The Continent Is a Sci-Fi Apocalypse

The climate of Australia is scientifically described as "murdertastic." Australia is what happens when you play Sim City and you straight up don't give a fuck about what happens to your population and natural resources. In 2004 scientist Tim Flannery made a prediction that if the city of Perth doesn't make some pretty serious changes, it's going to run out of water and will need to be abandoned. That is fucking scary. With a population of 1.6 million, there's going to be a lot of really thirsty, pissed off ex-residents. Water restrictions are already in place in a lot of cities.

Suck it, Perth

Climate change and ozone depletion are huge concerns in Oz. The country is the largest producer of greenhouse gases per capita in the western world. Rainfall in the wet season between May and August has decreased by 20% since 1968 in southwest Western Australia (PS - pick a goddamn direction and stick with, Australia). Not to mention the fact that 18% of the land in Australia is uninhabitable desert.

3.) Sharks, Oh Dear God, Sharks!

In 2000, the year with the most recorded shark attacks, there were a total of 79 attacks worldwide and only 11 of those were fatal. So there's about 360 different species of sharks out there and only four of those have been involved in a significant number of fatal attacks on humans. Those are pretty good odds. Guess what?

Australia is home to three of those species.

Pictured: a shark makes a helicopter its bitch

The bull shark, tiger shark, and great white shark all call Australia home. But that's just the ocean, right? If you just stay out, you'll be fine. Guess what?

Bull sharks can tolerate fresh water and frequently swim inland upstream.

This is the kind of shit that goes on all of the time in Australia

4.) Crocodiles that Eat Fucking Buffalo

The Aussies call these monsters "salties," but I can't imagine for an instant that it's a term of endearment. They're kind of an ambulatory garbage disposal for anything alive. Their diet includes, but is not limited to (goddammit), birds, monkeys, dingos, kangaroos, buffalo, humans, and sharks. Did you read that?!? These fuckers EAT SHARKS!

Pictured: a crocodile having just made a shark its bitch

You also need to take into consideration the size of some of these prey animals. Go to the zoo and look at a buffalo. They're massive. Now think about that in relation to the size and build of your average human. The number of estimated fatal attacks on humans annually varies wildly between dozens and thousands, proving that these motherfuckers are dangerous and Australians are really shitty at math. If you ever come into contact with a salty, you're goin' down, son.

5.) Everything In the Water Hates You

The blue-ringed octopus is about the size of a golf ball and can alter it's skin to display some pretty gorgeous shades of the color blue. But here's the rub: those pretty blue rings are the harbingers of your doom...26 times. The blue-ringed octopus has enough venom in one bite to kill 26 adult humans. And there's no antivenin, so have fun dying.

"I'm a huge jerk."

It's going to be a super bad death, too. The venom causes motor paralysis and respiratory arrest. This means you can't swim to the surface, splash around, or yell "Help! This octopus totally just made me its bitch!" Oh, and then your heart can shut down shortly after that. And remember that this entire time you're in the fiercest pain of your life, except for that time you got dumped in the sixth grade. If someone sees exactly what's happened, rescue breathing can save your life but you most likely won't appear responsive in any way. So depending on how big of slacker your rescuer is, they may just give up on you and go get shrimp or something.

6.) The Ocean of Australia is the Devil's Aquarium

Meet the box jellyfish. It hates you and it doesn't even have a brain. They can actively hunt prey which isn't something that jellyfish typically do. Normally they're lazy bastards that wait for food to brush up against them, like a sweaty pervert playing grab-ass on a crowded train. But that's not the sort of bullshit attitude that the box jellyfish stands for. No, it will chase at speeds of up to four knots, which is sailor talk for "as fast as a human can swim." Clearly whatever made this creature did so just to fuck with the us.

Your life is over in 3...2...1...

Strangely enough, the best treatment is pouring vinegar on the wound. Of course, cardiac arrest occurs almost immediately so I hope you were making salad when you got stung. Also, sea turtles are immune to the sting which ranks them as the coolest turtle that isn't also a ninja.

Because I don't feel like creating another entry for Australia's Sea of the Damned, the stone fish is another nightmare come to life. Doctors report that the sting is so painful, victims often beg them to amputate the affected limb.

7.) God Awful "Music"

I'm not just talking about Russel Crowe's train wreck of ear rape, I mean tunes that actually hit the airwaves. Dexy's Midnight Runners wrote an immediately recognizable song even if you never remember their actual name or that they wore stupid overalls. "Come On, Eileen" has been covered a million times and is required to be played in any 80's themed movie or flashback sequence. (On a side note, even worse than that was Sweden's own yokel-themed one hit wonder [hit is used VERY loosely] Rednex, with their stirring rendition of "Cotton Eyed Joe." It's your turn next, Sweden, and we all know how I feel about the Swedes.)

What's sad is they've accomplished more than I ever will

But the song still sucks and doesn't make a bit of goddamn sense. This is what happens when you leave music to people who's previous experience is pretty much just "Waltzing Matilda." That song is some sort of demon-wail, designed to herald the End of Days. If you manage to decipher it and summon forth the Destroyer of Worlds, at least you'll find comfort in the knowledge that you have finally ended Australia's reign of fear.

LP out.

Carnegie Hal

The Days of the Week: an In-Depth Assessment

Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way: I'm a cynic and, more than likely, a jerk. In my defense, a lot of this behavior is reactionary to my day-to-day experiences. To put a finer point on it, I'm influenced by the days themselves.

Do you see what I just did there? I owned up to my negativity and then immediately blamed external forces.

Anyway, I have performed numerous studies through extensive testing (meaning that I drank until my arguments made sense and I refused to listen to any other ideas) and have come to the conclusion that I'm totally, 100% correct that the Sunday-Saturday system is bullshit. Here is the part where I justify my buck-passing:

#1.) Sunday

Sundays are bullshit, plain and simple. Yeah, it's still the weekend or whatever, but it doesn't really count. Sundays are like the last week of summer or death row. You know what's coming and there's no way to avoid it.

Sundays are like this without the shanking.

You can't do anything fun (drinking) because you have to go to work or school the next day (places where being drunk isn't typically allowed). It's just 24 hours of doing laundry and bitching about going into work the next morning. You can fuck this up even worse depending on what you did Saturday night. Sunday is the harsh light that forces you to reflect on the bad things you did over the weekend and the badness of the coming week.

#2.) Monday

Listen, that "Someone's got a case of the Mondays" schtick or any sort of Garfield reference isn't going to cut it here. Don't be a fucking baby, you know you're going to survive the day. But it's going to suck and the exact measurement of suck hasn't yet been determined. It's like being on I-95 in rush hour traffic and you're in the lane completely opposite from the exit you need to take. You're going to cross all of those lanes and make your exit, but you have no idea how much abuse and damage you're going to take on the way out.

No one in this photo is even looking at the road

You're probably not going to come out of Monday with all of your dignity intact. Your best defense is to weep quietly in the corner of your bedroom because things aren't really going to get better any time soon. Developing a crippling addiction is also an option.

#3.) Tuesday

With your soul still newly crushed from Monday, Tuesday is here to rip the Band-Aid off your fresh wound and pick at the scab. Tuesday is a re-release of Monday. It's like "Monday: the Crystal Method Remix." Or you can think of it like Dave Matthews; it can't come up with anything new to interest you, so it's just going to keep repeating the same stuff that seemed to work for Monday.

Nobody fucking cares, douchebag.

As such, Tuesday receives lukewarm reception. The main thing it's got going for it is anonymity. You're never going to remember what the hell happened on a Tuesday, because there's nothing to distinguish it. What did you eat for lunch on Tuesday? You don't remember and what's worse for Tuesday is that you don't even give a shit. Fuck you, Tuesday.

#4.) Wednesday

Calling it "Humpday" isn't cute or clever, except to fifth graders and frat boys. Having "hump" as your nickname already means you're in serious trouble and no one is ever going to let you forget it. Sorry to break it to you, Igor.

It's your own fault, really, you creeper.

Wednesday only functions as a mile marker. It reminds you that you're nowhere close to being home free. It's like when the shark let's go of you just long enough to gulp down a lung full of air before it yanks you back under. Even if you can struggle past this 24 hour shark attack, you're going to be bleeding heavily and missing a fucking leg.

#5.) Thursday

Thursday is a goddamn tease. Thursday is wearing a low cut shirt and seductively nibbling the stirrer from her cocktail, but you're not going home with her.

Above: doesn't want anything you've got

Sorry, buddy. No amount of wishing or chatting up Thursday is going to get you any closer to her goods (the weekend and/or boobs). Just take her number, smile, and stumble home.

#6.) Friday

The only thing everyone is going to say to you today is "Thank goodness it's Friday," or, if they're a total fucking loser, "TGIF!"

Fuck you.

This is X-mas Eve. Good times are almost here, but you've just got to hold out. You're going to have to take Friday out for a nice dinner and "dancing" before anything fun happens. But when it does, you will be heard to declare, "Woo!" You've already forgotten about how the rest of your week was. And if you haven't forgotten, you can use it as an excuse to get really messed up.

#7.) Saturday

Fuck yeah! OK, listen, though. Seriously, you have to be careful. Because you can easily go from this:

to this:

to this:

Or, if you're really unlucky, this.

And once you reach that point, your Sunday is just going to be even worse than it would have been already.

LP out.

Compelling reasons that Japan hates children

Japan really has a lot to offer. As a young person, I was constantly consuming their delicious fruits, but it only recently dawned on me that Japan was being a little passive-aggressive. Like a bad step parent, I came to see that Japan wasn't nurturing me, but in fact actively trying to make me fail. So now that I'm all growed up, it's high time I get to work on a tell-all book.

#1. Neon Genesis Evangelion

For those of you who weren't losers in high school or college during the 90's, that title probably sounds like I drew some bad letters in Scrabble. This is actually the title to a popular animated TV show, indeed an entire franchise, hailing from the land of the rising sun. While it would be easy to pick on Japan for its notoriously hodge-podge engrish, that isn't the real threat here. Let me break down the show for you with the help of my good friend, Wikipedia:

"Evangelion is an apocalyptic mecha action series which revolves around the efforts by the paramilitary organization Nerv to fight monstrous beings called Angels, primarily using giant mecha called Evangelions which are piloted by select teenagers, one of whom is the primary protagonist."

It's all pretty much madness and you didn't even need to see a single frame of animation to know that. But there is crucial information up there, the key being that children are forced to endure severe mental and physical pain or the entire world ends.

Standard extra curricular activities in Japan

OK, listen. I was scared of driving at the age of 14. If I showed up to ninth grade and someone told me that when I was done with geometry, I needed to pilot that gigantic purple robot up there or everyone everywhere would die, I have no idea how terrified I would be. That's bullshit. That's totally child endangerment and you go to jail for that.

Not to mention that nobody in the show really seems to give a fuck about anyone else. Every single one of those kids already come from a broken, abusive home or they're an emotionless gynoid. You start to wonder when one of the children, in a moment of angst ridden clarity, will realize that everyone would actually be better off dead. Just the pep talk every budding adolescent needs to excel in life!

#2. Battle Royale

Since we're talking about sending ninth graders off to die, Battle Royale is head and shoulders above the competition. Yes, you read that logo correctly, it does indeed say "survival program." Battle Royale is a movie based off a graphic novel that was in turn based off of a novel. It's kind of a mash up of Lord of the Flies, Survivor, and every gun ever made.

The basic plot is that Japan's economy crumbles and students start to refuse education, going so far as to physically assault teachers. So the government institutes the "BR Act." This is essentially a lottery wherein every year one lucky ninth grade class wins a three-day getaway on a gorgeous island as their class trip...

...where they're forced to kill each other off until only one remains.

"Even though I'm a pop star explaining the rules of this child-massacre,
this is the most normal part of your stay here on Murdered By Your Friends Island."

I want to make this perfectly clear to you, so I'll say it again: In Battle Royale, an entire class is kidnapped, placed in explosive collars (you know, like for dogs that REALLY bark a lot), given some form of weapon, and told to kill each other until only one kid is left or everyone's collar explodes. That's it. That's the entire premise.

Best. Trip. Ever!

Honestly, I don't think there's anything else I can add or explain. Asking girls out was extremely difficult at that age, let alone being tossed into some bizarre gladiatorial combat. And just to confirm your slack-jawed protests, no, this movie was never officially released in the U.S. But it is available on region free DVD's. Enjoy!

#3. Video Games

First off, I love video games, so this part is a little like finding out that your significant other is actually a serial killer who has been active for 25 years. Obviously, there are all kinds of accusations flying around about violence in video games. Any time one kid hits another with a stick, he (because it's always boys, goddammit) is immediately assumed to have been re-enacting Grand Theft Auto. The simple to truth is that, by this point, everyone has played video games. Even incredibly dangerous murders play video games. But so does my mother.

This kitten is pwning noobs in Halo as we speak.

But no lawyer is ever going to be able to prove anything one way or the other way on that one. There are other dangers though, all of which I am now going to blame an entire high-tech country for.

You want an example? Fat kids. Yeah, that's right, your children are disgusting because the Japanese gave birth to Pac-Man. Before you slap me with a lawsuit, I recommend you speak to my attorney, Mr. H. R. Wikipedia:

"Many children fail to exercise because they are spending time doing stationary activities such as playing video games or watching TV. TV and other technology may be large factors of physically inactive children. Researchers provided a technology questionnaire to 4,561 children, ages 14, 16, and 18. They discovered children were 21.5% more likely to be overweight when watching 4+ hours of TV per day, 4.5% more likely to be overweight when using a computer one or more hours per day, and unaffected by potential weight gain from playing video games."

So, the jury is still out on games specifically, but computers are definitely in trouble. And computers are certainly massive time sinks because of blogs like this one, but there are programs out there that actually destroy lives. I'm looking directly at you World of fucking Warcraft. For fuck's sake, people have actually died playing Starcraft on their computers. But becomming a chunk monster isn't the only risk with video games. There are plenty of actual, "holy shit, for real?" injuries that you can sustain while avoiding getting laid.

It's pretty simple logic as to why children are more interested in games than going outside. Destroying demons/zombies/robots/nazis is pretty fucking exciting and ends with you being praised by the video game, and, maybe, your peers. Skinned knees and broken noses hurt like the dickens and end up with you being laughed at by your peers.

They can't laugh at you if you never leave the house

And while no one has really been able to nail a specific set of criteria, there are definitely people out there who view games as some form of digital smack. Games have been indicated to contribute to poor self-esteem, speech impediments, and social dysfunction. And nothing tears a country apart from the inside like creating a future generation (aka children) of babbling, self-loathing sociopaths who have been physically dehabilitated. Essentially, Japan invented electronic cancer. For children.

LP out.