Do you see what I just did there? I owned up to my negativity and then immediately blamed external forces.
Anyway, I have performed numerous studies through extensive testing (meaning that I drank until my arguments made sense and I refused to listen to any other ideas) and have come to the conclusion that I'm totally, 100% correct that the Sunday-Saturday system is bullshit. Here is the part where I justify my buck-passing:
#1.) Sunday
Sundays are bullshit, plain and simple. Yeah, it's still the weekend or whatever, but it doesn't really count. Sundays are like the last week of summer or death row. You know what's coming and there's no way to avoid it.
Sundays are like this without the shanking.
You can't do anything fun (drinking) because you have to go to work or school the next day (places where being drunk isn't typically allowed). It's just 24 hours of doing laundry and bitching about going into work the next morning. You can fuck this up even worse depending on what you did Saturday night. Sunday is the harsh light that forces you to reflect on the bad things you did over the weekend and the badness of the coming week.
#2.) Monday
Listen, that "Someone's got a case of the Mondays" schtick or any sort of Garfield reference isn't going to cut it here. Don't be a fucking baby, you know you're going to survive the day. But it's going to suck and the exact measurement of suck hasn't yet been determined. It's like being on I-95 in rush hour traffic and you're in the lane completely opposite from the exit you need to take. You're going to cross all of those lanes and make your exit, but you have no idea how much abuse and damage you're going to take on the way out.
No one in this photo is even looking at the road
You're probably not going to come out of Monday with all of your dignity intact. Your best defense is to weep quietly in the corner of your bedroom because things aren't really going to get better any time soon. Developing a crippling addiction is also an option.
#3.) Tuesday
With your soul still newly crushed from Monday, Tuesday is here to rip the Band-Aid off your fresh wound and pick at the scab. Tuesday is a re-release of Monday. It's like "Monday: the Crystal Method Remix." Or you can think of it like Dave Matthews; it can't come up with anything new to interest you, so it's just going to keep repeating the same stuff that seemed to work for Monday.
Nobody fucking cares, douchebag.
As such, Tuesday receives lukewarm reception. The main thing it's got going for it is anonymity. You're never going to remember what the hell happened on a Tuesday, because there's nothing to distinguish it. What did you eat for lunch on Tuesday? You don't remember and what's worse for Tuesday is that you don't even give a shit. Fuck you, Tuesday.
#4.) Wednesday
Calling it "Humpday" isn't cute or clever, except to fifth graders and frat boys. Having "hump" as your nickname already means you're in serious trouble and no one is ever going to let you forget it. Sorry to break it to you, Igor.
It's your own fault, really, you creeper.
Wednesday only functions as a mile marker. It reminds you that you're nowhere close to being home free. It's like when the shark let's go of you just long enough to gulp down a lung full of air before it yanks you back under. Even if you can struggle past this 24 hour shark attack, you're going to be bleeding heavily and missing a fucking leg.
#5.) Thursday
Thursday is a goddamn tease. Thursday is wearing a low cut shirt and seductively nibbling the stirrer from her cocktail, but you're not going home with her.
Above: doesn't want anything you've got
Sorry, buddy. No amount of wishing or chatting up Thursday is going to get you any closer to her goods (the weekend and/or boobs). Just take her number, smile, and stumble home.
#6.) Friday
The only thing everyone is going to say to you today is "Thank goodness it's Friday," or, if they're a total fucking loser, "TGIF!"
Fuck you.
This is X-mas Eve. Good times are almost here, but you've just got to hold out. You're going to have to take Friday out for a nice dinner and "dancing" before anything fun happens. But when it does, you will be heard to declare, "Woo!" You've already forgotten about how the rest of your week was. And if you haven't forgotten, you can use it as an excuse to get really messed up.
#7.) Saturday
Fuck yeah! OK, listen, though. Seriously, you have to be careful. Because you can easily go from this:
to this:
to this:
And once you reach that point, your Sunday is just going to be even worse than it would have been already.
LP out.
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