Compelling reasons that Japan hates children

Japan really has a lot to offer. As a young person, I was constantly consuming their delicious fruits, but it only recently dawned on me that Japan was being a little passive-aggressive. Like a bad step parent, I came to see that Japan wasn't nurturing me, but in fact actively trying to make me fail. So now that I'm all growed up, it's high time I get to work on a tell-all book.

#1. Neon Genesis Evangelion

For those of you who weren't losers in high school or college during the 90's, that title probably sounds like I drew some bad letters in Scrabble. This is actually the title to a popular animated TV show, indeed an entire franchise, hailing from the land of the rising sun. While it would be easy to pick on Japan for its notoriously hodge-podge engrish, that isn't the real threat here. Let me break down the show for you with the help of my good friend, Wikipedia:

"Evangelion is an apocalyptic mecha action series which revolves around the efforts by the paramilitary organization Nerv to fight monstrous beings called Angels, primarily using giant mecha called Evangelions which are piloted by select teenagers, one of whom is the primary protagonist."

It's all pretty much madness and you didn't even need to see a single frame of animation to know that. But there is crucial information up there, the key being that children are forced to endure severe mental and physical pain or the entire world ends.

Standard extra curricular activities in Japan

OK, listen. I was scared of driving at the age of 14. If I showed up to ninth grade and someone told me that when I was done with geometry, I needed to pilot that gigantic purple robot up there or everyone everywhere would die, I have no idea how terrified I would be. That's bullshit. That's totally child endangerment and you go to jail for that.

Not to mention that nobody in the show really seems to give a fuck about anyone else. Every single one of those kids already come from a broken, abusive home or they're an emotionless gynoid. You start to wonder when one of the children, in a moment of angst ridden clarity, will realize that everyone would actually be better off dead. Just the pep talk every budding adolescent needs to excel in life!

#2. Battle Royale

Since we're talking about sending ninth graders off to die, Battle Royale is head and shoulders above the competition. Yes, you read that logo correctly, it does indeed say "survival program." Battle Royale is a movie based off a graphic novel that was in turn based off of a novel. It's kind of a mash up of Lord of the Flies, Survivor, and every gun ever made.

The basic plot is that Japan's economy crumbles and students start to refuse education, going so far as to physically assault teachers. So the government institutes the "BR Act." This is essentially a lottery wherein every year one lucky ninth grade class wins a three-day getaway on a gorgeous island as their class trip...

...where they're forced to kill each other off until only one remains.

"Even though I'm a pop star explaining the rules of this child-massacre,
this is the most normal part of your stay here on Murdered By Your Friends Island."

I want to make this perfectly clear to you, so I'll say it again: In Battle Royale, an entire class is kidnapped, placed in explosive collars (you know, like for dogs that REALLY bark a lot), given some form of weapon, and told to kill each other until only one kid is left or everyone's collar explodes. That's it. That's the entire premise.

Best. Trip. Ever!

Honestly, I don't think there's anything else I can add or explain. Asking girls out was extremely difficult at that age, let alone being tossed into some bizarre gladiatorial combat. And just to confirm your slack-jawed protests, no, this movie was never officially released in the U.S. But it is available on region free DVD's. Enjoy!

#3. Video Games

First off, I love video games, so this part is a little like finding out that your significant other is actually a serial killer who has been active for 25 years. Obviously, there are all kinds of accusations flying around about violence in video games. Any time one kid hits another with a stick, he (because it's always boys, goddammit) is immediately assumed to have been re-enacting Grand Theft Auto. The simple to truth is that, by this point, everyone has played video games. Even incredibly dangerous murders play video games. But so does my mother.

This kitten is pwning noobs in Halo as we speak.

But no lawyer is ever going to be able to prove anything one way or the other way on that one. There are other dangers though, all of which I am now going to blame an entire high-tech country for.

You want an example? Fat kids. Yeah, that's right, your children are disgusting because the Japanese gave birth to Pac-Man. Before you slap me with a lawsuit, I recommend you speak to my attorney, Mr. H. R. Wikipedia:

"Many children fail to exercise because they are spending time doing stationary activities such as playing video games or watching TV. TV and other technology may be large factors of physically inactive children. Researchers provided a technology questionnaire to 4,561 children, ages 14, 16, and 18. They discovered children were 21.5% more likely to be overweight when watching 4+ hours of TV per day, 4.5% more likely to be overweight when using a computer one or more hours per day, and unaffected by potential weight gain from playing video games."

So, the jury is still out on games specifically, but computers are definitely in trouble. And computers are certainly massive time sinks because of blogs like this one, but there are programs out there that actually destroy lives. I'm looking directly at you World of fucking Warcraft. For fuck's sake, people have actually died playing Starcraft on their computers. But becomming a chunk monster isn't the only risk with video games. There are plenty of actual, "holy shit, for real?" injuries that you can sustain while avoiding getting laid.

It's pretty simple logic as to why children are more interested in games than going outside. Destroying demons/zombies/robots/nazis is pretty fucking exciting and ends with you being praised by the video game, and, maybe, your peers. Skinned knees and broken noses hurt like the dickens and end up with you being laughed at by your peers.

They can't laugh at you if you never leave the house

And while no one has really been able to nail a specific set of criteria, there are definitely people out there who view games as some form of digital smack. Games have been indicated to contribute to poor self-esteem, speech impediments, and social dysfunction. And nothing tears a country apart from the inside like creating a future generation (aka children) of babbling, self-loathing sociopaths who have been physically dehabilitated. Essentially, Japan invented electronic cancer. For children.

LP out.