Australia is a never ending parade of death

I watch a lot of Discovery Channel. A large reason for this is the fact that you never have to wait more than an hour for something to blow the fuck up. The danger of the channel is that, without much warning, suddenly your program starts to highlight situations of unmitigated horror. But the two most important lessons I've internalized are that you can drink your own urine and Australia is hell on earth. Actually, both can be true at the same time. Here's my logic:

1.) The Continent Is a Sci-Fi Apocalypse

The climate of Australia is scientifically described as "murdertastic." Australia is what happens when you play Sim City and you straight up don't give a fuck about what happens to your population and natural resources. In 2004 scientist Tim Flannery made a prediction that if the city of Perth doesn't make some pretty serious changes, it's going to run out of water and will need to be abandoned. That is fucking scary. With a population of 1.6 million, there's going to be a lot of really thirsty, pissed off ex-residents. Water restrictions are already in place in a lot of cities.

Suck it, Perth

Climate change and ozone depletion are huge concerns in Oz. The country is the largest producer of greenhouse gases per capita in the western world. Rainfall in the wet season between May and August has decreased by 20% since 1968 in southwest Western Australia (PS - pick a goddamn direction and stick with, Australia). Not to mention the fact that 18% of the land in Australia is uninhabitable desert.

3.) Sharks, Oh Dear God, Sharks!

In 2000, the year with the most recorded shark attacks, there were a total of 79 attacks worldwide and only 11 of those were fatal. So there's about 360 different species of sharks out there and only four of those have been involved in a significant number of fatal attacks on humans. Those are pretty good odds. Guess what?

Australia is home to three of those species.

Pictured: a shark makes a helicopter its bitch

The bull shark, tiger shark, and great white shark all call Australia home. But that's just the ocean, right? If you just stay out, you'll be fine. Guess what?

Bull sharks can tolerate fresh water and frequently swim inland upstream.

This is the kind of shit that goes on all of the time in Australia

4.) Crocodiles that Eat Fucking Buffalo

The Aussies call these monsters "salties," but I can't imagine for an instant that it's a term of endearment. They're kind of an ambulatory garbage disposal for anything alive. Their diet includes, but is not limited to (goddammit), birds, monkeys, dingos, kangaroos, buffalo, humans, and sharks. Did you read that?!? These fuckers EAT SHARKS!

Pictured: a crocodile having just made a shark its bitch

You also need to take into consideration the size of some of these prey animals. Go to the zoo and look at a buffalo. They're massive. Now think about that in relation to the size and build of your average human. The number of estimated fatal attacks on humans annually varies wildly between dozens and thousands, proving that these motherfuckers are dangerous and Australians are really shitty at math. If you ever come into contact with a salty, you're goin' down, son.

5.) Everything In the Water Hates You

The blue-ringed octopus is about the size of a golf ball and can alter it's skin to display some pretty gorgeous shades of the color blue. But here's the rub: those pretty blue rings are the harbingers of your doom...26 times. The blue-ringed octopus has enough venom in one bite to kill 26 adult humans. And there's no antivenin, so have fun dying.

"I'm a huge jerk."

It's going to be a super bad death, too. The venom causes motor paralysis and respiratory arrest. This means you can't swim to the surface, splash around, or yell "Help! This octopus totally just made me its bitch!" Oh, and then your heart can shut down shortly after that. And remember that this entire time you're in the fiercest pain of your life, except for that time you got dumped in the sixth grade. If someone sees exactly what's happened, rescue breathing can save your life but you most likely won't appear responsive in any way. So depending on how big of slacker your rescuer is, they may just give up on you and go get shrimp or something.

6.) The Ocean of Australia is the Devil's Aquarium

Meet the box jellyfish. It hates you and it doesn't even have a brain. They can actively hunt prey which isn't something that jellyfish typically do. Normally they're lazy bastards that wait for food to brush up against them, like a sweaty pervert playing grab-ass on a crowded train. But that's not the sort of bullshit attitude that the box jellyfish stands for. No, it will chase at speeds of up to four knots, which is sailor talk for "as fast as a human can swim." Clearly whatever made this creature did so just to fuck with the us.

Your life is over in 3...2...1...

Strangely enough, the best treatment is pouring vinegar on the wound. Of course, cardiac arrest occurs almost immediately so I hope you were making salad when you got stung. Also, sea turtles are immune to the sting which ranks them as the coolest turtle that isn't also a ninja.

Because I don't feel like creating another entry for Australia's Sea of the Damned, the stone fish is another nightmare come to life. Doctors report that the sting is so painful, victims often beg them to amputate the affected limb.

7.) God Awful "Music"

I'm not just talking about Russel Crowe's train wreck of ear rape, I mean tunes that actually hit the airwaves. Dexy's Midnight Runners wrote an immediately recognizable song even if you never remember their actual name or that they wore stupid overalls. "Come On, Eileen" has been covered a million times and is required to be played in any 80's themed movie or flashback sequence. (On a side note, even worse than that was Sweden's own yokel-themed one hit wonder [hit is used VERY loosely] Rednex, with their stirring rendition of "Cotton Eyed Joe." It's your turn next, Sweden, and we all know how I feel about the Swedes.)

What's sad is they've accomplished more than I ever will

But the song still sucks and doesn't make a bit of goddamn sense. This is what happens when you leave music to people who's previous experience is pretty much just "Waltzing Matilda." That song is some sort of demon-wail, designed to herald the End of Days. If you manage to decipher it and summon forth the Destroyer of Worlds, at least you'll find comfort in the knowledge that you have finally ended Australia's reign of fear.

LP out.