Overkilling the Dead

This spiel has been a long time coming and somebody's got to say it: zombies are so last season.

That's not easy for me to say, either. I have a long-standing love affair with the inept undead and everyone knows it. But so does everyone now. This funny article over at Cracked hilariously confirms that fact. But that isn't the only piece of evidence that I have here in my briefcase for my prosecution.

1.) Enough with the Shitty Fucking Movies Already

I'm not naive enough to pretend that I discovered zombies and they're my special secret. Zombie movies have been around since the advent of motion picture technology, even before talkies! Wanna know why? Zombies are hands down the easiest monster costume. Period. If you want to be all lame with your get up, all you need are dark rings around your eyes and a stiff gait.

you lazy fucks

Yeah, I know all too well how complex zombie make-up can end up being. You can get crazy elaborate with it and create some totally awesome, vomit-inducing effects. But it's this range of detail that gives studios carte blanche to go buck-ass wild. If you're creating a zombie horde, the path of least resistance is to focus attention on the foreground zombies and slack on the rest. Some blurry dude in the back with darkened features and fake blood on his shirt is perfectly believable for the .5 seconds that he shows up in the background. It's your front line troops that need to be all jazz hands and spirit fingers.

this is a strong example of what the fuck?

The end result of this cost-effective ghoul is that a lot of shitty plots get green lit because it costs next to nothing to make them and a return on your investment is pretty much guaranteed.

2.) If I Wanted to See Cheetah-People, I Would Have Gone to See that Movie

Don't bullshit me, zombies don't run. I know that it gets a little silly to argue the physics of completely fictional monsters, but I'm sorry, dead things are never better at living than things that are alive.

I just realized that a movie about cheetah-people would be totally bad ass

One of the only things that makes zombies scary (because if they're not zombies, they're just normal dudes hanging out) is their unrelenting plodding down the street towards while you scurry in a panic, only to realize that you're surrounded and your noose is slowly tightening. They slowly gang up on you and represent a threat because of their single-minded, strength-in-numbers policy. If you make them crazy fast, well, they could be any monster. Or a sniper. And then you're not in a horror film, you're in an action flick.

terrifying in its own right

Before you start screaming, yes, I make an exception for 28 Days Later...sort of. For all intents and purposes, it's a zombie movie. But the infected aren't dead. They're totally alive and rabid. Have you ever seen a rabid animal? They're all panic and aggression. And they're about to be dead, but they aren't yet.

3.) I've Killed Too Many to be Scared

Even the Resident Evil games (because fuck those movies outright) had to change up the formula because it got stale. So stale, in fact, that it became fashionable to beat the games using only the knife, otherwise known as "the weapon you get rid of immediately because it's so fucktastically worthless."

that's what you'd look like to a zombie

It only takes you about five minutes in those games to realize that there's nowhere near enough ammunition to kill every zombie and all you have to do is run around them. That's it. Game fucking over. At least the Silent Hill games tried to toss some David Lynch style, freak-out content in their games instead of just having shit come through windows. Although, they didn't have zombies in them per se and their movie was a celluloid abortion.

4.) Because They Reveal Everyone's Desire for Murder

Zombies were people and the point is often made that they were people you cared about. And you get all excited about the opportunity to shoot them.

in the face, no less

People exploding can be incredibly entertaining, but you have to keep this sort of thing in context. The situation here is often you putting down your friends and family. The people who actually want to do that in real life go to fucking jail. Yeah.

5.) The Social Commentary is Trite as Fuck

Zombies as a reflection of modern society are about as subtle as Oliver Stone's Platoon.

I get it, you're supposed to be Jesus/Red Badge of Courage dude.

6.) I'm Just Straight Up Tired of George Romero's Hack-Ass Bullshit

what's up, douchington?

LP out.