This is...I think this is what Canada is like. Probably?
Anyway, last year's move had me driving all around the state, because my move was totally fucked and I wanted to die. As per the curse, it was stupid hot outside. Did you know if your car's radiator explodes and leaves on the side of the road in rural Virginia, it will ruin the rest of your day? It's true. Did you further know that if you're wearing a light colored T-shirt while waiting for help to arrive, you can look at your own perspiration spreading through the fabric as a visual timeline of how long you have left to live before you're dead from heat exhaustion? It's like looking demographic maps of a pandemic sweeping over a populace, except your sweltering chest is the diseased country and your body's tears are the wave of destruction.
But you may be asking yourself, "What can I do to stay cool after I'm rescued?" And I'm here for you with my helpful guide to see you through this insidious heat wave. I've done significant research (read "I just thought shit up and told it to you as though it were science") to bring you a few bullet points on things you can do to slap Mother Nature around and show her who wears the pants in this family. So, for instance, you can...
1.) Not Do Whatever It Was You Did As A Kid
You what's awesome? Hurling yourself down a hillside-installed Slip N' Slide, surprise water gun attacks (with the optional water balloon bombardment), gorging yourself on freezie pops, drinking 17 Slurpees until your head implodes from a massive brain freeze, hanging around in just a swimsuit, and drinking from the neighbor's hose.
Childhood!
Nobody tolerates any of that noise now. I'm not a kid anymore and I've been warned more than once by police that sneaking around people's yards with a gun, no matter what it shoots, is a good way to get outfitted with a new set of ventilation holes courtesy of bullets.
But if you're a car, they're called "speed holes"
Those behaviors just don't fly anymore. That's what I did for years to regulate my temperature in the Dog Days of summer. Apparently fun is illegal once you get a diploma. I remember exactly what the inside of a garden hose tastes like thanks to my childhood summers. These were simpler times, before the internet (i.e. we didn't have access to boobs). Though I do have to concede that height, weight, and spinal development are all key factors in the Slip N' Slide experience. Don't get me wrong, sitting on the porch with a bunch of cold beer is a lot of fun, but it isn't "hit your friend in the face with a goddamn water balloon" fun.
Pictured: so much fucking fun
2.) Go to the Movies. Maybe?
This is a method I used to get a lot of mileage out of. It might be the geeky nerd in me talking, but sitting in a dark, cold room seems like a pretty good way to escape the sweltering death choke of summer. Hollywood especially endorses visiting the cinema.
Can you still call it "cinema" if you're watching Saw?
I don't know if you guys go to a lot of movies or not, but they're pretty damn expensive these days. Of course, when I was in high school gas was only a dollar, which may skew my opinions on a lot of expenses. But there's an issue at play here that some of you may not realize.
See, everyone talks about digital rights management (DRM) on electronic media these days. You know how when you download a song from iTunes but it only lets you play it on your specific iPod or a limited number of computers? That's DRM. You can even rent movies from iTunes and cable services like On Demand, for a reasonably low price. A lot of times it's only $1.99. But, people get mad because once you start watching the movie, you have to finish in the next 24 hours or it's gone, and only sometimes are you able to change the device you watch it on. That sounds kind of like bullshit, right? Most of the time I end up renting a physical DVD/Blu-ray for one night only, but I don't like being forced to.
Because I'm a rebel!
Anyway, movie theaters do the same thing, worse even, and you don't even notice. They sell the rights to a movie for about $10 a pop and you only have viewing rights for the specific two hours when the movie is shown. And you can't pause that. There's an awesome theater near me that serves beer and wine in the lobby, but when that alcohol catches up with your bladder halfway through Lord of the Rings you just have to settle for missing part of the film.
Or settle for purchasing new pants.
3.) Die
While I've gone on record to tell winter that it can go fuck itself with an iron stick, summer can free the beast all over your face, too. There were 2,190 deaths in the U.S. between 1992 and 2001 due to excessive heat. In fact, the loss of human life in hot spells in summer exceeds that caused by all other weather events. Combined.
Occasionally heatwaves manifest in the physical form of a flame tiger
An excellent example of what makes heat waves the deadliest weather overall is the 1995 Chicago heat wave. If you're old, dying will be one of the more likely activities on this list. While it's important to remember that people die every single day and the weather may just be picking on those that were already going to die (see "harvesting effect"), extremely hot weather can cause wildfires, power outages, extra psychological stress, and can even cause physical damage like buckling highways.
4.) Honestly, I Was Trying To Come Up With Another Topic, But All I Want Is a Cold Beer
Sorry, you're on your own
We totally just broke the '95 record. I'm sure enough about this to write it on the internet, anyway.
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