Rated A for Awkward

 I find myself in a lot of stressful, awkward situations. One of the best ways for me to relax is to unwind with a movie. Movies are awesome, right? I even enjoy watching movies with other people. I grab some beer and pizza, fire up my exquisite 5.1 Dolby Digital and DTS surround sound, and sit back to enjoy a moving picture with people I like. But sometimes I make poor movie choices and other times Hollywood just conspires against me, so the entire evening ends up a smoking ruin. Below are a few quick examples of movies that you should probably put some thought into before you screen them with your Great Granmammy.

1.) Saving Private Ryan

It's awesome when you make friends with a theater's projectionist when you're in high school. That super cool "I know a guy" ability is something you want to flaunt. You especially want to show it off if you take a young lady on a date. However, there are certain things I just didn't understand about dating and I honestly still haven't learned a lot in the years since.

"Girls sound a war cry on a conch shell when they want you to kiss them, right?"

Yes, I sneaked a girl into "Saving Private Ryan." It was the only R-rated movie in theaters that wasn't horrible. I was probably over compensating by attempting to avoid a movie that had sex appeal and thereby avoid any awkwardness. I guess I couldn't think of a tactful way to lean in and say "I promise that I'm not thinking about you being naked so that things won't get uncomfortable," which would have failed on two fronts as it establishes me as a liar, since I was a high school boy, so I definitely thought about naked girls and it absolutely makes everything uncomfortable forever. All things considered, it's probably for the best that "Schindler's List" was not released during my high school years.

Great job, High School Liam!

2.) The Rescuers

Did you know that someone put boobies in this movie? Covert boobies in the background? Well, they did and my friend's family apparently has crazy awesome vision. So. I imagine that put a strange twist on Family Fun Night.

It's not like you wouldn't have sneaked some ta-ta's into Pictionary anyway.

Disney has been under fire with accusations of hidden smut for years, so much so that I now watch every film as though it were a perverse "Where's Waldo?" exercise. But this was indeed out and out pornography, and Disney has never released the perpetrator or motive. It appears in only two non-consecutive frames and at 30 fps, you'd have to have a quick eye. Which apparently many people do.

Don't lie, you know you wanted to see them.

3.)Full Metal Jacket

A friend of mine actually threw her then-boyfriend under the bus on this one. She abandoned him while watching "Full Metal Jacket," a movie entirely comprised of shooting people super hard and threats to shit down people's throats after ejaculating in their eye sockets.

 Also, Adam Baldwin just goes fucking nuts on a building with a machine gun.

That's not all that weird in and of itself. I don't know how many girls have left the room when I'm watching a movie they find scary/gory/perverted/dumb, but if I had to venture a guess I would say all girls ever. Even girls that I've never met. If I put on an unappealing movie, they sense it and exit whatever room they're in.

That's not even my place. She's taking it out on someone, who's probably just watching "Bagger Vance."

No, what makes my friend's act of treason so awesome is that they were watching "Full Metal Jacket" with her father. Her father. Again, I have no idea what possessed them to do so, but those were the circumstances. She basically just said, "I'm out" and vanished. And I think she did it just 'cause, you know? Either this was a test of character or she just pulled the ultimate "eh, fuck it." Both conclusions are equally hilarious.

Oh, also this event happened when she was in high school. I think they may still be friends, but honestly I stopped listening to her story after the hilarious part.


4.) Pulp Fiction

You can make the argument here with any Quentin Tarantino movie, but I feel like "Pulp Fiction" could be the most squirm-inducing. I'm not sure if my mother is able to perceive obscenities or not, but Tarantino fucking uses those goddamn words like a motherfucker. That's not the real issue here, though. Sex talk is never a really great occurrence around parents. It just feels wrong and dirty.

"There's no way whatever follows this image will be sexually deviant, Mom."

You know what's worse than talking about doin' it? Butt rape. It's totally absurd to be sitting in the same room as your mother, your mother who graduated from college before we landed on the moon. Like two years before we hung out at Lunar-ville. So, watching Ving Rhames gagged and screaming, being dragged into a backroom while Bruce Willis is watched by a character called "the Gimp" is a moment when you slowly turn your head toward your family and intone, "uhhh...." is like your pants falling down at graduation.


5.) Dicks, Shoes, and Penises. And Then More Shoes.

I guess my lady-paramour really has some genuine affection for her mother. I know this because she went to go see the "Sex in the City" movie (cleverly titled "Sex AND the City") with her mother. She claims this was an act of charity, as no one else would go. I'm not entirely sure I believe her, as she did willingly attend the first two Twilight movies. But only the first two, she reminds me, as though it makes it acceptable. Her rebuttal would be that I own a, uh, film called "Punk Rock Pussycat Dolls." It's a mail order, straight-to-DVD title.

It's an art film.

Anyway, in this horrific display of potential filial duty, my lady-friend finds herself in a theater full of lonely, middle aged women eagerly watching a movie that pretty much only features women talking about shoes and dicks. I am told that wing wongs make an appearance. I'm fuzzy on the details of how many or how often, but the giant room was filled with a cacophony of hoots and hollers. All the while, the girl I court is trying her damnedest to shrink into her chair. I assume she could no longer have any kind of eye contact with her mother on any level.


LP out.